For those of you who have been closely following Christian's Mission Blog, you will notice that there was no weekly post #7. Christian arrived safely in Sweden last week, was assigned a kind companion and began life as a real missionary. Last week's email was long and was filled with highly fluctuating experiences of new excitement and experiences as well as moments of acute crushing anxiety and depression. I (his father) attempted to strain out the good and positive from his email and create his week 7 Blog post to represent and show his experience in the best light possible as I anticipated that in time Christian would be able to adapt and settle into mission life. That said, I decided to withhold publishing this update until we heard from him again. Unfortunately, Christian is not doing well and has decided to come home.
Christian has struggled these last two months with anxiety and trying desperately to fit in. In his last letter home he exclaimed, "I just worry, like I'm set up for failure. Like I'm not wired like the other missionaries. I am trying to be like them, but the more I try the less I feel like Christian anymore, like I'm just playing the role of Christian the missionary or Christian the puppet--helplessly being pulled and swayed by the invisible strings of someone else's expectations. I feel like I'm a bad person for writing this. I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point, hoping for a release, or a sign, or something, instead the heaven's are silent and I am left just to curl up into a ball, collapsing on my bed at night, dreading tomorrow will come too soon and I will have to start all over again. ahhhhh, I'm so sorry. I feel like my anxiety, frustration, discontent is wrapping me up in this big ball of consuming blah, that I can't feel at peace or live in the moment. I feel like I'm being selfish, but I find myself clawing at wisps of happiness or improvement, that I have had to white knuckle my way through everyday just to survive. Everyone keeps saying how much I'll learn and improve, but it's so frustrating because I'm a very self-learning and perfectionistic person and here I feel such a limitation of knowledge and abilities. I don't like failing, especially again and again. All I want is to be happy and send happy letters home."
In the scriptures we often read about Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac, with all the attention and honors focused on faithful Abraham, but the unsung hero of the story is not Abraham, it is Isaac. Abraham was asked to sacrifice in God's name, Isaac was asked to be sacrificed in God's name. Isaac was not a young boy, he was a grown young man. He knew what his father was asked to do and willingly helped build the sacrificial altar, gather the sticks to be laid as bedding and then laid himself across the alter accepting the fate God had assigned to him. Their test of faith was their willingness to submit. They both had to struggle and pull faith from the deepest depths of their testimonies. They both found God's favor and acceptance and they both were spared at the last moment and allowed to go home.
Sometimes in life was are asked to sacrifice, other times we are the sacrifice. Like Abraham, Christian was willingly to sacrifice the next two years of his life to serve God, but Christian wasn't called to be Abraham, he was called to be Isaac. He accepted God's call to serve, he actively prepared (built the altar), he was worthy (laid the bedding of sticks) and willingly left the world to serve his God (presented himself at the altar), but the sacrifice he had imagined was not the sacrifice God intended for him. Instead, for the last 54 days he was asked to obediently lay helplessly upon that alter as he struggled, emotionally drowning in darkness. Like Isaac, it was not necessary to completely perish to prove his love and devotion, it was the offering of a willing and obedient heart. Christian's heart was judged and deemed pure. A few days ago, he felt the overwhelming comfort and reassurance from a loving Father in Heaven that his sacrificial offering was accepted by God in full and that he could now climb down off the altar and come home.
This isn't what he had anticipated or expected his missionary experience would be, but we are proud that he has made such a difficult and complex decision on his own and honor and support the sacrifice and service he has already given. His plans are to come home, get some therapy, work full time, and find opportunities to volunteer and give service until school starts. He is planning on enrolling at the University of Utah and living at home.
What we need from all of you is your pure support and no second guessing or judging of him or us. We need there to be very little talk between family members with only support and love being voiced. He said he felt the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders when he made his decision and felt happiness for the first time in a long time. This will likely be a tough transition for all of us as we help him to heal and get back on his feet. We appreciate and hope for your continued unconditional support and love.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
6. Sweden
This week's update is written by his father as Christian was traveling and unable to write this week:
Monday (February 16, 2015) Christian left the MTC with his entire district (everyone's visas arrived at the last moment) and traveled to Sweden. Family and friends are no longer allowed to go to the airport to meet their missionaries and say one last final goodbye, but they do allow the missionaries to call home and talk to their families during the layovers between flights. Of course Christian's flight changed to leave even earlier than anticipated, which meant that our phone call was at the delightful hour of 6AM. As much as we love Christian it is a hard matter to have a lucid conversation that early in the morning, not to mention that I (dad) was sick with a terrible head cold and pounding headache. But it was so good to hear from him and to our paramount joy and in summation of our conversation he is doing good, he is happy, he is staying positive and is truly excited to be moving on and actually starting his real mission. What solace, what reassurance and peace to our hearts to know that he is happy and doing well!
He then was assigned his new companion Elder Kevin Allen and was assigned to serve in the city of Sundsvall, Sweden:
We look forward to hearing from him next Monday to tell us more about his first week in Sweden.
We received the following information regarding communication and mailings to Christian:
1. P-day is Monday, that is the day he will be allowed to write emails & letters and receive your emails.
2. All physical mail and packages that we want to send to Christian should be mailed to the mission home. They will forward it to where ever he is serving:
Advice about package mailings per the mission office:
Letters and packages should be sent through the US Postal Services and weigh four (4) pounds or less (they will be forwarded immediately to your missionary), packages weighing more than 4 pounds will require Christian to pay for the forwarding and or having to wait till he or another missionary can pick up the package in person.
Things that can cause significant delays to your packages:
Packages over four (4) pounds
Overnight packages
Certified or Registered mail
Using any carrier other than the Post Office
Thank you everyone who has written him, sent him packages and supported him through the MTC. I know it was a hard and trying time for Christian, but through your love and support and his courage and determination he has overcome and made it safely to Sweden.
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
PLEASE WRITE/MAIL PACKAGES (4lbs or less through US Postal Service) to:
Monday (February 16, 2015) Christian left the MTC with his entire district (everyone's visas arrived at the last moment) and traveled to Sweden. Family and friends are no longer allowed to go to the airport to meet their missionaries and say one last final goodbye, but they do allow the missionaries to call home and talk to their families during the layovers between flights. Of course Christian's flight changed to leave even earlier than anticipated, which meant that our phone call was at the delightful hour of 6AM. As much as we love Christian it is a hard matter to have a lucid conversation that early in the morning, not to mention that I (dad) was sick with a terrible head cold and pounding headache. But it was so good to hear from him and to our paramount joy and in summation of our conversation he is doing good, he is happy, he is staying positive and is truly excited to be moving on and actually starting his real mission. What solace, what reassurance and peace to our hearts to know that he is happy and doing well!
He was met by his Mission President and wife (James & Tamara Beckstrand) and taken on a small tour of Stockholm, visited the Sweden temple and attended a baptism.
He then was assigned his new companion Elder Kevin Allen and was assigned to serve in the city of Sundsvall, Sweden:
We look forward to hearing from him next Monday to tell us more about his first week in Sweden.
We received the following information regarding communication and mailings to Christian:
1. P-day is Monday, that is the day he will be allowed to write emails & letters and receive your emails.
2. All physical mail and packages that we want to send to Christian should be mailed to the mission home. They will forward it to where ever he is serving:
Äldste Christian Flynn
Enebybergsvägen 38
182 46 Enebyberg
Sweden
Advice about package mailings per the mission office:
Letters and packages should be sent through the US Postal Services and weigh four (4) pounds or less (they will be forwarded immediately to your missionary), packages weighing more than 4 pounds will require Christian to pay for the forwarding and or having to wait till he or another missionary can pick up the package in person.
Things that can cause significant delays to your packages:
Packages over four (4) pounds
Overnight packages
Certified or Registered mail
Using any carrier other than the Post Office
Thank you everyone who has written him, sent him packages and supported him through the MTC. I know it was a hard and trying time for Christian, but through your love and support and his courage and determination he has overcome and made it safely to Sweden.
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email them to him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
PLEASE WRITE/MAIL PACKAGES (4lbs or less through US Postal Service) to:
Äldste Christian Flynn
Enebybergsvägen 38
182 46 Enebyberg
Sweden
Sunday, February 15, 2015
5. Beginning to see the light at the end of the MTC...Flight Plans
Calling Dad...
Hand trembling, I reached for the telephone that seemed to gawk at me. I called my home phone line because I couldn't decide which parent to call. It rang and rang, my apprehension building, until... the robotic voice saying to hang up and try again. Well, that was anti-climatic! I then called my dad's phone, feeling more nervous than ever. It rang, and rang, and... click... I was greeted by the ever tender: Hello this is Doctor Robert Flynn how can I help you?... Silence... Hi, Dad, it's Christian.
Actually... I was going to write about my experience of talking to dad. I'm thinking that that was a special moment between me and him. I'm going to keep that one to myself. It's like the secret life of Walter Mitty. Some things can't be captured in words or pictures.
I've had several really therapeutic talks with Elder Harrison. He said that I'm his favorite person here and that he loves it when I ask questions. He said he liked me and thought highly of me. Which was so nice to here. All my leaders who don't really know me go on and on and on, about how much they love us. Kind of abusing the meaning of the word, don;t you think? It's nice to be liked, sometimes more than loved.
I was thinking about giving up and coming home again on Saturday. I felt like I was wasting my life and was suffering uselessly, feeling my mind being warped (there are so many parallels here to the book '1984', I could go on about this forever!). I confided in him everything I've been feeling and that I couldn't handle it here. He was super understanding. He didn't make me feel bad or persuade me to stay. He said props to me for making it this far, that he would be very disappointed in his mission experience if we didn't end up becoming companions, and that the MTC could use my "culture," apparently he thinks I've lived some ultra radical life. A notion I don't feel I give off, but compared to these people maybe to them I am. We talked for 2 hours. We didn't get back till midnight. (definitely way after lights out).
Anyway, I'm almost done at the MTC and feeling great. Sorry I gave you a scare about my short email last week. Also, I print off all of my emails. My branch president says that reading emails doesn't count toward my computer time. So don't be afraid I won't have time to read anything. Also, I heard I get more time in the field.
I vented a lot in my journal about people, the MTC, and different situations, but I would rather share some good or novel things that's been going on. Much of the days are the same, but some of the moments really made me happy.
I've spend most of my time with either Harrison, or the Dutch district. Which are way more fun, cool, and accepting of me. I feel that I am confident, fun, and introspective, but in my own district I feel like I can only be a part of myself which I think is unhealthy. I think I already may have told you, but I lead a running group on some mornings. Recently me and another Elder from the Dutch organized a game of hand ball. It's like Ultimate Frisbee, but with a football. We aren't supposed to play ultimate Frisbee or football, and we thought about it, because either we were breaking two rules or they canceled each other out. We went with the funner option. :) It is so nice to push my muscles to something other than moving my hand across a page or walking to the cafeteria.
I also started "Tacky-Tie-Tuesday" in my zone, for which we were passive-aggressively given an hour lesson in our class on appropriate dress and grooming (instead of language). What ever? When there's a will there's a way! ;)
I also, got in trouble for my bed this week. I pushed two beds together and used some extra sheets to shroud my bed in a tent so I would have some private space. Anyway, I was told I couldn't do this with my bed, that made me sad. Also, I have this paranoia that my companion will watch me as I sleep. I recall stories of unstable companions watching their companions sleep--creepy!
So, half of my district's visa's haven't arrived yet so they are being sent state-side for a month or two until they get theirs. But luckily, I’m OK! Thanks entirely to Mom and Dad--I didn't even know I had to have a visa, so, lucking for parents who were on the ball for me.
My flight plans are:
United Airlines inc.
flight 6537-- LV: Salt Lake City, UT at 7:44 am on feb 16
AR: Denver, CO at 9:20 am on feb 16
(50 minutes layover)
flight 1440-- LV: Denver, CO, IL at 10:10 pm
AR: Newark, NJ at 3:48 pm
(90 ish minute layover)
flight 068-- LV: Newark, NJ at 5:25 pm
AR: Stockholm, Sweden at 7:30 am feb 17
(8 hour flight)
I'll get to stockholm 11:30 pm utah time (at night, the day before)
It's going to be a crazy exhausting day. I'm going to have a full day on Sunday, wake up to leave the MTC at 3:30 am, travel all day, arriving at Sweden in the early morning, and having to start another day in the new country. Effectually I'll be awake for 3 days with perhaps intermittent naps here and there.
I won't be able to email till my first P-day in Sweden, but they will let me call home in between flights. You can see the times. I probably will try to call you before the first flight, but if it doesn't work out I'll try again in Chicago.
---------------------
The days here are all blending together, so my thoughts are scattered:I got really, extremely, desperately tired in a devotional on Sunday, so I wrote this because the person who sat next to me wouldn't let me sleep. But really though, he keep nudging me, I'd wake up look around, go fall right back to sleep, a few minutes would pass while he was mustering up the courage to confront me again, and he'd wake me up from my nap again. I'd feel irritated, but he was so sincere in his attempts to help me stay awake and the whole thing was so comical I couldn't help but laughing to myself and decided to doodle this monologue instead, by yours truly:
Days that never end and nights that never are long enough. Some nights are dreamless sleep filled with tossing and turning that dulls the mind, dims the senses, and mutes the soul, making the following day one of the walking dead, or nights of strange dreams and unreal joys, through which sweet phantoms of thought, color and intangible wisps that explore the chambers of my sleeping mind.
A few mornings I have woken up in that fog reality between the world of sleep and that of the living when the deafening screams of my companions alarm clock sirens in a new morning which demand the start of a new day and the end of the blessed unconscious world of shapeless dreams only to be thrusted into a bizarre world of deja vu that lays bear the realities of my innermost fears, loves, and existence. I look about and see the stirring of sleepy heads on squeaking beds signifying the sound of Elders waking up and going forth starting their day, reluctantly or not, with perhaps a sigh or a muttered complaint. Yet all arise, with veil after veil of that hazy fog that besets our slumbering brain is lifted, and by degrees we orient ourselves to the forms and colors of things, until they are restored to their fullness, and we watch the day remake itself again.
Standing on shaky legs, stretching my underused and atrophying muscles I let my eyes wander around the dawning room. The crumpled shirt and tie lies on the ground next to my bed where I stripped myself the night before, beside my desk, decorated with pictures of loved ones, rests a half-cut book that I had been studying and a worn letter that I had, perhaps, read too often. Nothing has changed. Did I really expect it too? Out of the unreal shadows of the night comes back to me the life I had known. Having to resume where I left off... with the secret hope that when I rest my eyes again, that this time, they might open to some morning on a new world.
I roll back my shoulders, open the door, letting the brightness fill the room, and step into a new day.
--------------------
A cool story.A district was leaving early the next morning so another Dutchie and I wanted to send them off in style. At night we gathered our whole zone (20-25ish Elders) into the showers, turned off the lights and sang with all our might. I brought in a strobing flashlight, and handed out other flashlights and laser pointers I had gathered and we had a kind of dance party. We started off with a quiet hymn, that sounded so cool as our deep voices resounded off the bathroom walls. We boomed through Ye Elders of Israel, and "Two Dungeons Deep (the Dwarf song from the Hobbit), and "Are you" (from mocking jay) as well as several other hymns. I can't quite capture it, but it was one of my favorite memories of the MTC (Yes, I guess there have been a few good ones)!
Also, I discovered that in all the outlets the past roomies left us little presents, like coins glued inside, or really old Swedish fish, or a container of "magic paste" which lets off a little wisp of smoke if you put some on your fingers and snap em-- so weird-- so 90's. I convinced the elders in my district to sneak out eggs from the cafeteria each day, so when we leave there'll be secret eggs in all of the outlets. How weird is that!
On my quest to embrace love (and beat the MTC) I've learned to not take life so seriously. I'm trying to have much more fun. There's a time for work, rest, and play. Each is just as important as the other.
When I feel better and confident in myself Life is so much more worth while. I start to notice and lift others up. It's so fun! If that's the right word? Rewarding? To see someone whose feeling the way I often do and the make them smile or come around. Priceless.
1 month down. 23 to go...
Random thoughts.
In Swedish the word for baptize and to "shoot up" as in drugs and nearly identical in pronunciation.
Also, I managed to switch several of the Elders name tages without them knowing for a whole day.
I've been saving this one can of opened OJ since the first day, and for some reason kept it. Unwittingly I took a big swig and felt like I was drinking a fur ball. Nasty!
I've been fasting and it really helps. It's nice to feel some sort of control, even if it's just what I cram into my mouth.
I have a new district leader. It's so funny he's so quite and little (like 4 ft. I swear). The weird thing is that as soon as he was called he became sooooo annoying. He puts on this fake personality, and tears, and emotions. But all the leaders just eat it up. I can't go into detail about this cause my time is almost up. But I feel like leadership often brings out the worst in people. He totally changed. Also, he's been playing up this cute puppy thing. He's a grown man, has been sheltered his whole life, and is the most sickly sweetly "optimistic". I'm a realist and he's not even optimistic. He's just lying, and ignoring reality and his feelings. You can say your thoughts and still hope/see the best. Not just say that everything is awesome, everything is cool, everything is a life changing experience.
Also, I was the first Elder to get up for testimony meeting in my zone. I never get up, so for me that was awesome. I gave it in Swedish. Super cool.
--------------------
Thank you everyone for your love, support, and gifts! I wish I could give you all a hug, and that you could really know how much everything has helped.
Thanks mom for the valentine package and dad for your response to this week's questions. I loved it! It made me so immensely happy.
Congrats on selling the condo--Hopefully you still go up to Park City.
--
Christian Flynn
[Christian snuck back on today to give a thankful shout out to the Ihrig family for brightening his day]:
Also, can you get me Maddi Ihrig's email. I think it would be awesome if I could email her. Also, thank her and her family for the valentine's box! I loved it. The happy light, the letters, the gifts. All the sisters in my district loved the ear rings. One of the elders is using it as a tie pin. I am so happy for Madi, and simply adore her and her family. Their package just made my week.
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
Sunday, February 8, 2015
4. Breaking Point
[Preface to this week: This was a very hard and trying week for Christian--the culmination of a brewing perfect storm. He has been struggling with his companion and the smothering rigidity and micro-managing control of the MTC for the last several weeks and it has taken it's toll.]
When Christian was very young he was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder. He learned coping mechanisms--breathing techniques, being aware of his emotions and feelings, taking breaks and meditation, etc. to deal with it. He learned that when he begins to feel overloaded that a quick run, hike or walk alone, or writing, could unwind a stressful situation or day. Other times he would call home and talk things out with a close friend or family member. Simply reading a good book could also calm and clear his mind and he could stay happy, functional and balanced. In fact, he has gotten so good at handling his stress over the years that we have nearly forgotten how stress and anxiety effects him.
For the last month Christian has been in lock-down at the MTC--being crammed into a small classroom for 16 hours a day, rarely seeing the sunlight, rarely getting exercise, being banned from talking to family and friends or reading books (besides scriptures) and is glued 24-7 to a companion who is bullying him and constantly trying to put down or find fault in Christian him. Worse, he can never, ever have alone time. All of his usual coping mechanisms had been taken away so needless to say, Christian began having an anxiety nuclear melt-down. His anxiety levels went through the roof and he had no way to decompress and vent.
Tuesday, I (Dad) was home working on taxes when the phone rings, caller-ID says, "Provo, Utah". I pick up, "Hello?" "Hi dad, it's me Christian!..." (long pause)... "Hello...What's going on?" To this he broke down in tears and began to sob. "I think I want to come home. I'm suffocating here." He told me that he is seeing a counselor there and they administered a stress test on him. They said an average person scores about 20-40, most missionaries at the MTC score 40-50 due to the added stress of the MTC. Christian said he has taken it twice, the first time a 90, the second time 110. He said suicidal is 140. We talked for about twenty minutes. It was a good talk filled with love, understanding and optimism. He was able to vent and share. I told him how much we love him, how proud we are of him and how strong he is. I reassured him that we would accept what ever decision he makes. I reassured him, however, that the MTC was not his mission, Sweden was his mission. Sweden would be different--a new companion, space, a semblance of freedom, exercise and the outdoors, and best of all real human interactions. I then emphasized that instead of focusing on how he wanted things to be, to focus on how he could love them more. I told him to see the good and potential in those around him, and then see what he has to offer them. I promised him as he sought their happiness that he would find his. In the end, it was all about love. We love him, we're proud of him no matter what happens and we will always be there for him.
Just being able to talk probably brought his anxiety levels down to the lowest they've been in weeks. He said he would keep trying and thanked me for talking. He will continue to meet with the counselor who will determine his ability to leave with the rest of the group in a few weeks.
The next day was his P-day and after a sleepless and prayerful night, the follow conversation took place between Sandra (Mom) and Christian via back and forth emails:
Mom:
Are you on yet??
Christian:
Yes! Alyssa is going through a hard time now and I'm using my time replying to her, so I won't be able to write my usual weekly journal entries today. Maybe later I can log back on and send some pictures. I'll try to send you a written mailed version of my journal entries later this week, so maybe you could go back and put it on my blog.
I am doing so good right now! I just think everything culminated to one point of givingupness. I had the best day after I got off the phone with Dad. I wish I could have talked to you too! I really have integrated into my district and when I turn outward and tried to make other people feel better, I feel better. We had the best testimony/emotional meeting, and I lead a group of Scandinavians in a morning run, and I got my district to start playing games during breaks. I'm trying to keep creative in this place. I am all over the place, but I feel good when I can connect to you, the fam, my friends through email. I think I should be able to talk on the phone once a month. :) Also, I've seen a therapist twice, and have another appointment on Friday. I just had the worst week, but I feel it turning around. I finally feel control--at least for now. I'll get back to you on that. :) I have learned over 1200 swedish words, but the last few days I've been focusing on the people around me. I realized I'm going to be so out of my depth in Sweden with language, that it's more important that I'm a functional person first. If I don't learn how to love on my mission then what was the point of me being here? I love you all. Also, I binge read all of the rainy day letters from the family, I loved them all and I balled that night. Emotions are high. Happy and sad. My therapist thinks I should go home, but I really think I can do this, especially when I leave the MTC. I guess this email could be part of my blog.
Are you still there I got like 10 minutes?
Mom:
Yep, I'm here! So happy you're doing better!! I love you so so much!
So you think you're going to stay? Does the therapist have any say in it?
Christian:
I think she does. As of now I'm definitely staying. I'm hoping I'm gonna balance out. I'm kinda tired of the nose dives, turns, and jerks straight up. I think i can, i think i can, i think i can. :)
Tell Zack and Krissy so incredibly much! I love the picture from Harper, the picture of her and Dad and me, and the cookies. Sooooo Good! Everyone's letters and support mean so much to me!
Mom:
Did you get Madi and E's letters?
Christian:
Yes!!! I loved them! I put the pictures right next to the window, next to my head. Tell them I love em' and that they helped me so much. Elisabeth was so sweet and made be so happy, and Madison's letter was just what I needed to here. She made me laugh. I definitely considered running away, hiding in my BYU apartment, running up the mountain, sneaking into a closet and just sleeping for days. I am trying to be strong for them. I'm sorry for Madison about her break up. They are tough. It took me months to really get over my last girlfriend. But Madi's so smart, funny, and freakin' gorgeous she'll be just fine. Boys suck anyway.
Gotta go. xoxoxox
Maybe I can sneak on a few pictures later. Thanks for the lyrics, emails, and stories. I need to keep updated on your lives.
<3
Mom:
I see you managed to sneak in and send pics! ;)
Christian:
<3
:)
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
When Christian was very young he was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder. He learned coping mechanisms--breathing techniques, being aware of his emotions and feelings, taking breaks and meditation, etc. to deal with it. He learned that when he begins to feel overloaded that a quick run, hike or walk alone, or writing, could unwind a stressful situation or day. Other times he would call home and talk things out with a close friend or family member. Simply reading a good book could also calm and clear his mind and he could stay happy, functional and balanced. In fact, he has gotten so good at handling his stress over the years that we have nearly forgotten how stress and anxiety effects him.
For the last month Christian has been in lock-down at the MTC--being crammed into a small classroom for 16 hours a day, rarely seeing the sunlight, rarely getting exercise, being banned from talking to family and friends or reading books (besides scriptures) and is glued 24-7 to a companion who is bullying him and constantly trying to put down or find fault in Christian him. Worse, he can never, ever have alone time. All of his usual coping mechanisms had been taken away so needless to say, Christian began having an anxiety nuclear melt-down. His anxiety levels went through the roof and he had no way to decompress and vent.
Tuesday, I (Dad) was home working on taxes when the phone rings, caller-ID says, "Provo, Utah". I pick up, "Hello?" "Hi dad, it's me Christian!..." (long pause)... "Hello...What's going on?" To this he broke down in tears and began to sob. "I think I want to come home. I'm suffocating here." He told me that he is seeing a counselor there and they administered a stress test on him. They said an average person scores about 20-40, most missionaries at the MTC score 40-50 due to the added stress of the MTC. Christian said he has taken it twice, the first time a 90, the second time 110. He said suicidal is 140. We talked for about twenty minutes. It was a good talk filled with love, understanding and optimism. He was able to vent and share. I told him how much we love him, how proud we are of him and how strong he is. I reassured him that we would accept what ever decision he makes. I reassured him, however, that the MTC was not his mission, Sweden was his mission. Sweden would be different--a new companion, space, a semblance of freedom, exercise and the outdoors, and best of all real human interactions. I then emphasized that instead of focusing on how he wanted things to be, to focus on how he could love them more. I told him to see the good and potential in those around him, and then see what he has to offer them. I promised him as he sought their happiness that he would find his. In the end, it was all about love. We love him, we're proud of him no matter what happens and we will always be there for him.
Just being able to talk probably brought his anxiety levels down to the lowest they've been in weeks. He said he would keep trying and thanked me for talking. He will continue to meet with the counselor who will determine his ability to leave with the rest of the group in a few weeks.
The next day was his P-day and after a sleepless and prayerful night, the follow conversation took place between Sandra (Mom) and Christian via back and forth emails:
Mom:
Are you on yet??
Christian:
Yes! Alyssa is going through a hard time now and I'm using my time replying to her, so I won't be able to write my usual weekly journal entries today. Maybe later I can log back on and send some pictures. I'll try to send you a written mailed version of my journal entries later this week, so maybe you could go back and put it on my blog.
I am doing so good right now! I just think everything culminated to one point of givingupness. I had the best day after I got off the phone with Dad. I wish I could have talked to you too! I really have integrated into my district and when I turn outward and tried to make other people feel better, I feel better. We had the best testimony/emotional meeting, and I lead a group of Scandinavians in a morning run, and I got my district to start playing games during breaks. I'm trying to keep creative in this place. I am all over the place, but I feel good when I can connect to you, the fam, my friends through email. I think I should be able to talk on the phone once a month. :) Also, I've seen a therapist twice, and have another appointment on Friday. I just had the worst week, but I feel it turning around. I finally feel control--at least for now. I'll get back to you on that. :) I have learned over 1200 swedish words, but the last few days I've been focusing on the people around me. I realized I'm going to be so out of my depth in Sweden with language, that it's more important that I'm a functional person first. If I don't learn how to love on my mission then what was the point of me being here? I love you all. Also, I binge read all of the rainy day letters from the family, I loved them all and I balled that night. Emotions are high. Happy and sad. My therapist thinks I should go home, but I really think I can do this, especially when I leave the MTC. I guess this email could be part of my blog.
Are you still there I got like 10 minutes?
Mom:
Yep, I'm here! So happy you're doing better!! I love you so so much!
So you think you're going to stay? Does the therapist have any say in it?
Christian:
I think she does. As of now I'm definitely staying. I'm hoping I'm gonna balance out. I'm kinda tired of the nose dives, turns, and jerks straight up. I think i can, i think i can, i think i can. :)
Tell Zack and Krissy so incredibly much! I love the picture from Harper, the picture of her and Dad and me, and the cookies. Sooooo Good! Everyone's letters and support mean so much to me!
Mom:
Did you get Madi and E's letters?
Christian:
Yes!!! I loved them! I put the pictures right next to the window, next to my head. Tell them I love em' and that they helped me so much. Elisabeth was so sweet and made be so happy, and Madison's letter was just what I needed to here. She made me laugh. I definitely considered running away, hiding in my BYU apartment, running up the mountain, sneaking into a closet and just sleeping for days. I am trying to be strong for them. I'm sorry for Madison about her break up. They are tough. It took me months to really get over my last girlfriend. But Madi's so smart, funny, and freakin' gorgeous she'll be just fine. Boys suck anyway.
Gotta go. xoxoxox
Maybe I can sneak on a few pictures later. Thanks for the lyrics, emails, and stories. I need to keep updated on your lives.
<3
 |
| Exhausted |
 |
| Yes that's Christian in the back with the beanie over his head |
Mom:
I see you managed to sneak in and send pics! ;)
Christian:
<3
:)
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
3. Another topsy-turvy update
I'm feeling much better now, but warning, be prepared for another topsy-turvy update:
January 19, 2015
We helped senior couples today, which was really cool. I met some interesting people, some weirdos, and some really cute wrinkly old people.
I hope my family misses me and thinks about me. I was talking to one of the other Elders and he said that when his brother left on his mission it was like he was effectually dead to the family, life carried on seamlessly without him as if he didn’t exist. Throughout the two years his family rarely thought of him. He then said, that’s how all family’s are once your gone. I do not like this elder. I hope he is wrong. I'm sure my family is thinking about me as I think of them.
January 22, 2015
I got into a fight with my companion today. Just when I started to feel good about myself and adapting to this new life here, then this happened. The MTC is where I have felt the least accepted and most misunderstood in my life. How could that be? I'm not trying to buck the system, I've changed the majority of my habits and by any other standard I'd be considered very conservative and respectful. I get to class on time, work hard with less than seven hours of sleep and after 16 hours of class, of studying, of language practice, of lessons, formalities, rules, strict adherence to authority, repression, and feeling ill all the while. The few things I do to try to remain sane, to think, process, write in my journal and home, as well as my divinely inspired music time with Elder Spencer Harrison, are all being taken away from me, whether restricted, judged, or denied.
Anyway, me and my companion finished planning our lesson, and I was writing myself notes and words I'd have to practice to make sure I was ready. Personal study came and I felt that I had a long productive day. I memorized over 50 verbs, how to read and understand numbers, as well as had class, an additional 3 hours of Gospel study, and companionship planning. For the last 30 minutes of the day in class I decided to read the letters from home I got that day and was thinking about my family and loved ones -- so I decided to finally get to writing Alyssa, whom I promised to write weeks ago. I wrote for about 30 minutes, while Elder Richardson was flipping through scriptures aimlessly, thumb tapping, and looking and pacing around the classroom. Then, in font of the entire class and in dead silence, he demanded- to know what I was doing.
I tried to calmly defuse the confrontation and impending argument I saw looming and told him I have had a very productive day and that I was writing my best friend, whose support was largely keeping me here, and whom I've neglected for several weeks. He then accused me of wasting my time, and that I was being disobedient to the mission President, our teachers, and him. He said that he was doing what he was supposed to and that I should be too. I, irritated now, told him I put in an honest day’s work, was tired, feeling sentimental, and had already prepared everything I could for our lesson tomorrow and felt that it would go great. He then proceeded to further call me out (at this point the rest of class was awkwardly exiting the classroom, fleeing my companion’s inappropriate and judgmental rant) saying that I wasn't being a good missionary. He then tried to prove it by citing how I often abandon group dinner to play piano and sing with Elder Harrison. Not sure what that has anything to do with being a bad missionary or how that was even remotely pertinent to the context of our conversation, i don't know, but now I was angry. I felt like he was unfairly and unnecessarily attacking me, so, I regrettably fed into it and said that I work harder than he does and knows more Swedish then him and that he should take his overbearing leadership down a notch.
I then, trying to recover from my attack, said we both have strengths and weaknesses, and we are very two different people, but that doesn't mean we should fight. I said that I might use my time differently than he did, but that I learn in a certain way and that he may learn by 'multitasking' and interacting with others while chatting and moving about. I respect and allow you to learn his way. I need to learn my way. After which, I need silence and a chance to recuperate, which is why I appreciate the jam sessions with Elder Harrison. Not everything has to be a certain way, I'm following all the rules that have been given me.
Now he was furious. He said that it was hard for him that I had to do things different and have ‘special treatment’, and that I should get over myself and stop being depressed and disheartened. That I need to buck up, suck it up, and stop taking time to process things. Why couldn't I be like him. That he knew the gospel better than I did. To this I turned completely apathetic and calmly, without any emotion, shrugged my shoulders and said, ok. He knew he crossed a line there, so he apologized and I did too. We talked things out, but because his thoughts/impressions are in line with whatever someone in authority says, he gets his way. It’s all blind ignorant obedience and no empathy and common sense. No love, just rules. Not that I’m breaking any anyways!?
The whole encounter made me feel very vulnerable and wounded. I felt like he exposed everything that I was, everything I was hurting about, everything that I was doing to cope with this strangely militant environment, everything that was essentially me and threw me in the mud, assaulted, judged, and rejected by him.
I know that the encounter wasn't entirely his bad, but its hard when he's the one with the authority, he's the loudest and most outspoken and everyone is expected to conform to his will--He’s the leader of the pack and everyone fits in his pack, but I don’t.
During the confrontation I felt empowered and emboldened defending myself against what I felt was an unjustified bullied attack, but after I felt awful. I offered and said a prayer with him, praying we could understand each other, work with, and love each other.
Feeling vulnerable and humbled, I decided we should run through our lesson for tomorrow, hoping to get some synergy together and let the spirit in to bring us closer together. Everything went horribly. The Elder we asked to role play took the whole thing as a joke and he and my companion began playing it up. They were making fun of the scriptures, went totally off topic, and the spirit and potential synergy was definitely gone. Then they turned it crude as they started making fun of gays (Who knows why? There has been a long running joke amongst several of the Elders of how bad, sissy, and messed up gay people are. Seriously, what is wrong with some people? So ignorant and immature). Well, they went on to say how they weren't welcome in our church, and how evil they were. They were just laughing it up. I tried to bring it back to the lesson, but it didn't work. I regret I didn't do something more or tell them directly to stop, but I was already feeling down in the dumps from the lashings he gave me earlier and I was outnumbered. There was no Christ-like feelings in that room. I'm a bit ashamed of my cowardice. I just closed down. I stopped testifying or declined to share anything of value or that was special to me. No way was someone going to twist my testimony into an off color joke or an offensive remark. The whole night made me sick to my stomach. And these were my district and zone leaders! How can they ask for my respect and obedience if they don't respect me or my testimony? How can they expect to lead with the spirit when their hearts are defiled and cruel?
After experiences like this, makes me want to go home, but at the same time, how could I leave Sweden to these two?!!!
Also, when my companion disrespected and belittled my testimony I assume he was referring to the amount of questions I ask. As if my questions were a lack of understanding. I'm pretty sure his lack of questions is a lack of desire to learn.
There's this weird thing against asking certain questions too. I've had many angry glares when I ask a question that isn't in preach my Gospel. Being curious is one of my cardinal personality characteristics, it is how I stretch my faith, and grow. I sometimes feel like people are like parrots, just repeating each others words over and over. That no real thought or conscious depth is required, all long as they are moving their mouths must mean they have a testimony! — I could go off on this, but I shan't.
Well, a story to illustrate: We went to the temple and I asked a sister missionary temple worker person, if she knew the symbolism of the signs, and robes. She said that she's volunteered there for 30 years and had never bothered to wonder or ask. ummmmm, Ohhkay!!! She seemed proud of that fact too, curious? She then directed me to a member of the temple presidency and he told me that I should search for myself, so I was left wondering if he knew?
What's funny is that my whole district was astounded that I wanted to know more about the temple ceremonies, that I would want to ask questions in the temple (which apparently is the only place to ask such questions). They said all is well, and that it didn't matter. I felt like that was like having food without nutrition or taste. That the act of chewing was what gave them blessings, strength, and sustenance.
Asking questions is a fundamental part of who I am. Just because I don't know something doesn't mean I should sit in ignorance. I am surrounded by ignorance and apathy and they all couldn’t be happier for it. It’s frightening to me. For I think it's contrary to the heart of the Gospel. Ya know, the line upon line, precept on precept, the ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened whole thang. AKA. the reason we are here on earth, How God works!
I do feel like the people in my district are good people, I'm just struggling with it all.
I am tired to the core.
My journal is depressing.
I found the prettiest flower today, so I put it in my suit pocket to treasure it.
I love my family so much.
I've made it this far because of them, their love, and my desire to be a good example of serving the Lord in anyway I can.
My journal is one long anguishing, eventful, odd, prayer.
January 24, 2015
My teacher said we were the funniest class she ever had.
Also, I'm happier and I figured out how to deal and work alongside, and understand my companion. Life is so much easier when he's happy.
PS. He was just released as being as our district leader—Karma! :)
I feel like the MTC has been one long day.
My thoughts are very disjointed and don't flow one into another.
I'm tired of being tired. But it is getting easier to function on little sleep I have noticed however that I'm a lot weaker and I feel light headed a lot. And I've had a stomach ache and headache on and off since I got here.
January 25, 2015
Another Bipolar day in the life of Christian Robert Flynn.
So I was feeling awful and I prayed to God that I'd be relieved of my stress, and discouragement, and anxiety, and homesickness, etc. Later that day I was feeling so guilty that I was thinking about what my life would be like if I went home, which I regret saying, was blissful. I convinced myself to wait till Wednesday and then possibly see someone about going home. I felt the prompting, like an actual voice in my head that repeated 3 times, "be still", and then that I should wait it out just a bit longer.
That evening, I saw meet the mormons, and I saw what the Gospel was really about. People, families, joyful struggle, love, and reaching out to others. The MTC kinda sucks the life out of the gospel, at least it has for me. But when the gospel is focused on real people with real lives it became so real.
January 26, 2015
I got a package from home with my baptism set of scriptures that I left home and dad's response to my questions about the Atonement and some letters. It totally made my day!
I felt like a fog has been lifted. I am so excited to wake up, to learn more about the Gospel, to improve myself. I love hearing from home. I think families are the number one most important thing ever. And the only reason I'm away from my own family now is to help people connect to their own families, both Heavenly and earthly. Ideas are fascinating, things are neat, and places are cool, but our interactions relationships, and our charity filled love for others is what I prize most.
I love how fundamental and visceral the gospel is. It's not a religion, a 1 day a week worship service, or an organization. It's the real life application of us coming unto Christ in our daily interactions with our spiritual brothers and sisters in a beautiful world. Sometimes people get scared of others, the world, their own freedom of thought, personality and choice that they put people in boxes. They turn the infinite possibilities and permutations of life into definite. They color within the lines, out of fear of what they don't know, of their own inadequacy, of the unknown, the different, of change. Life is change, full of obstacles and odds we can't change. We can only decided how we will react to them. Life at the MTC can be so artificial, so superfluous in formality, tradition, and restriction of creativity. But I am learning patience. Learning to let things roll off my shoulders that I don't have the power to change. I am learning that life can still happen originality and individuality of experience still sprout amidst the lack of sunlight (literally, we are shuffled from building to building, waking up before the sun's up, and head home after its down) and trampling feet. I am sure that once I make it to Sweden the myriad of rules will all have practical sense. That my dealings of people will make it all worth it. I feel like I've been a student and a child for so long. I want outtaa here, to get to work and be with the people I've been called to serve. The MTC should only be 3 weeks tops. Long enough to break you down, get a foundation, learn to live on one’s own and then ship us off.
I'm tired of being told how either amazing we are for choosing to serve a mission or how inadequate we are for not perfectly obeying (them). I want to prove how obedient I can be to the spirits prompting, to the Lord, and to God by doing amazing things, and serving amazing people.
I have so much more so say. ahhhh.
I'm feeling really good. I know I mostly only wrote on how hard this week has been and I didn't get to the how I'm now doing awesome bit, sorry, i’ll fill you in next week.
Love, Christian
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
January 19, 2015
We helped senior couples today, which was really cool. I met some interesting people, some weirdos, and some really cute wrinkly old people.
I hope my family misses me and thinks about me. I was talking to one of the other Elders and he said that when his brother left on his mission it was like he was effectually dead to the family, life carried on seamlessly without him as if he didn’t exist. Throughout the two years his family rarely thought of him. He then said, that’s how all family’s are once your gone. I do not like this elder. I hope he is wrong. I'm sure my family is thinking about me as I think of them.
January 22, 2015
I got into a fight with my companion today. Just when I started to feel good about myself and adapting to this new life here, then this happened. The MTC is where I have felt the least accepted and most misunderstood in my life. How could that be? I'm not trying to buck the system, I've changed the majority of my habits and by any other standard I'd be considered very conservative and respectful. I get to class on time, work hard with less than seven hours of sleep and after 16 hours of class, of studying, of language practice, of lessons, formalities, rules, strict adherence to authority, repression, and feeling ill all the while. The few things I do to try to remain sane, to think, process, write in my journal and home, as well as my divinely inspired music time with Elder Spencer Harrison, are all being taken away from me, whether restricted, judged, or denied.
Anyway, me and my companion finished planning our lesson, and I was writing myself notes and words I'd have to practice to make sure I was ready. Personal study came and I felt that I had a long productive day. I memorized over 50 verbs, how to read and understand numbers, as well as had class, an additional 3 hours of Gospel study, and companionship planning. For the last 30 minutes of the day in class I decided to read the letters from home I got that day and was thinking about my family and loved ones -- so I decided to finally get to writing Alyssa, whom I promised to write weeks ago. I wrote for about 30 minutes, while Elder Richardson was flipping through scriptures aimlessly, thumb tapping, and looking and pacing around the classroom. Then, in font of the entire class and in dead silence, he demanded- to know what I was doing.
I tried to calmly defuse the confrontation and impending argument I saw looming and told him I have had a very productive day and that I was writing my best friend, whose support was largely keeping me here, and whom I've neglected for several weeks. He then accused me of wasting my time, and that I was being disobedient to the mission President, our teachers, and him. He said that he was doing what he was supposed to and that I should be too. I, irritated now, told him I put in an honest day’s work, was tired, feeling sentimental, and had already prepared everything I could for our lesson tomorrow and felt that it would go great. He then proceeded to further call me out (at this point the rest of class was awkwardly exiting the classroom, fleeing my companion’s inappropriate and judgmental rant) saying that I wasn't being a good missionary. He then tried to prove it by citing how I often abandon group dinner to play piano and sing with Elder Harrison. Not sure what that has anything to do with being a bad missionary or how that was even remotely pertinent to the context of our conversation, i don't know, but now I was angry. I felt like he was unfairly and unnecessarily attacking me, so, I regrettably fed into it and said that I work harder than he does and knows more Swedish then him and that he should take his overbearing leadership down a notch.
I then, trying to recover from my attack, said we both have strengths and weaknesses, and we are very two different people, but that doesn't mean we should fight. I said that I might use my time differently than he did, but that I learn in a certain way and that he may learn by 'multitasking' and interacting with others while chatting and moving about. I respect and allow you to learn his way. I need to learn my way. After which, I need silence and a chance to recuperate, which is why I appreciate the jam sessions with Elder Harrison. Not everything has to be a certain way, I'm following all the rules that have been given me.
Now he was furious. He said that it was hard for him that I had to do things different and have ‘special treatment’, and that I should get over myself and stop being depressed and disheartened. That I need to buck up, suck it up, and stop taking time to process things. Why couldn't I be like him. That he knew the gospel better than I did. To this I turned completely apathetic and calmly, without any emotion, shrugged my shoulders and said, ok. He knew he crossed a line there, so he apologized and I did too. We talked things out, but because his thoughts/impressions are in line with whatever someone in authority says, he gets his way. It’s all blind ignorant obedience and no empathy and common sense. No love, just rules. Not that I’m breaking any anyways!?
The whole encounter made me feel very vulnerable and wounded. I felt like he exposed everything that I was, everything I was hurting about, everything that I was doing to cope with this strangely militant environment, everything that was essentially me and threw me in the mud, assaulted, judged, and rejected by him.
I know that the encounter wasn't entirely his bad, but its hard when he's the one with the authority, he's the loudest and most outspoken and everyone is expected to conform to his will--He’s the leader of the pack and everyone fits in his pack, but I don’t.
During the confrontation I felt empowered and emboldened defending myself against what I felt was an unjustified bullied attack, but after I felt awful. I offered and said a prayer with him, praying we could understand each other, work with, and love each other.
Feeling vulnerable and humbled, I decided we should run through our lesson for tomorrow, hoping to get some synergy together and let the spirit in to bring us closer together. Everything went horribly. The Elder we asked to role play took the whole thing as a joke and he and my companion began playing it up. They were making fun of the scriptures, went totally off topic, and the spirit and potential synergy was definitely gone. Then they turned it crude as they started making fun of gays (Who knows why? There has been a long running joke amongst several of the Elders of how bad, sissy, and messed up gay people are. Seriously, what is wrong with some people? So ignorant and immature). Well, they went on to say how they weren't welcome in our church, and how evil they were. They were just laughing it up. I tried to bring it back to the lesson, but it didn't work. I regret I didn't do something more or tell them directly to stop, but I was already feeling down in the dumps from the lashings he gave me earlier and I was outnumbered. There was no Christ-like feelings in that room. I'm a bit ashamed of my cowardice. I just closed down. I stopped testifying or declined to share anything of value or that was special to me. No way was someone going to twist my testimony into an off color joke or an offensive remark. The whole night made me sick to my stomach. And these were my district and zone leaders! How can they ask for my respect and obedience if they don't respect me or my testimony? How can they expect to lead with the spirit when their hearts are defiled and cruel?
After experiences like this, makes me want to go home, but at the same time, how could I leave Sweden to these two?!!!
Also, when my companion disrespected and belittled my testimony I assume he was referring to the amount of questions I ask. As if my questions were a lack of understanding. I'm pretty sure his lack of questions is a lack of desire to learn.
There's this weird thing against asking certain questions too. I've had many angry glares when I ask a question that isn't in preach my Gospel. Being curious is one of my cardinal personality characteristics, it is how I stretch my faith, and grow. I sometimes feel like people are like parrots, just repeating each others words over and over. That no real thought or conscious depth is required, all long as they are moving their mouths must mean they have a testimony! — I could go off on this, but I shan't.
Well, a story to illustrate: We went to the temple and I asked a sister missionary temple worker person, if she knew the symbolism of the signs, and robes. She said that she's volunteered there for 30 years and had never bothered to wonder or ask. ummmmm, Ohhkay!!! She seemed proud of that fact too, curious? She then directed me to a member of the temple presidency and he told me that I should search for myself, so I was left wondering if he knew?
What's funny is that my whole district was astounded that I wanted to know more about the temple ceremonies, that I would want to ask questions in the temple (which apparently is the only place to ask such questions). They said all is well, and that it didn't matter. I felt like that was like having food without nutrition or taste. That the act of chewing was what gave them blessings, strength, and sustenance.
Asking questions is a fundamental part of who I am. Just because I don't know something doesn't mean I should sit in ignorance. I am surrounded by ignorance and apathy and they all couldn’t be happier for it. It’s frightening to me. For I think it's contrary to the heart of the Gospel. Ya know, the line upon line, precept on precept, the ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened whole thang. AKA. the reason we are here on earth, How God works!
I do feel like the people in my district are good people, I'm just struggling with it all.
I am tired to the core.
My journal is depressing.
I found the prettiest flower today, so I put it in my suit pocket to treasure it.
I love my family so much.
I've made it this far because of them, their love, and my desire to be a good example of serving the Lord in anyway I can.
My journal is one long anguishing, eventful, odd, prayer.
January 24, 2015
My teacher said we were the funniest class she ever had.
Also, I'm happier and I figured out how to deal and work alongside, and understand my companion. Life is so much easier when he's happy.
PS. He was just released as being as our district leader—Karma! :)
I feel like the MTC has been one long day.
My thoughts are very disjointed and don't flow one into another.
I'm tired of being tired. But it is getting easier to function on little sleep I have noticed however that I'm a lot weaker and I feel light headed a lot. And I've had a stomach ache and headache on and off since I got here.
January 25, 2015
Another Bipolar day in the life of Christian Robert Flynn.
So I was feeling awful and I prayed to God that I'd be relieved of my stress, and discouragement, and anxiety, and homesickness, etc. Later that day I was feeling so guilty that I was thinking about what my life would be like if I went home, which I regret saying, was blissful. I convinced myself to wait till Wednesday and then possibly see someone about going home. I felt the prompting, like an actual voice in my head that repeated 3 times, "be still", and then that I should wait it out just a bit longer.
That evening, I saw meet the mormons, and I saw what the Gospel was really about. People, families, joyful struggle, love, and reaching out to others. The MTC kinda sucks the life out of the gospel, at least it has for me. But when the gospel is focused on real people with real lives it became so real.
January 26, 2015
I got a package from home with my baptism set of scriptures that I left home and dad's response to my questions about the Atonement and some letters. It totally made my day!
I felt like a fog has been lifted. I am so excited to wake up, to learn more about the Gospel, to improve myself. I love hearing from home. I think families are the number one most important thing ever. And the only reason I'm away from my own family now is to help people connect to their own families, both Heavenly and earthly. Ideas are fascinating, things are neat, and places are cool, but our interactions relationships, and our charity filled love for others is what I prize most.
I love how fundamental and visceral the gospel is. It's not a religion, a 1 day a week worship service, or an organization. It's the real life application of us coming unto Christ in our daily interactions with our spiritual brothers and sisters in a beautiful world. Sometimes people get scared of others, the world, their own freedom of thought, personality and choice that they put people in boxes. They turn the infinite possibilities and permutations of life into definite. They color within the lines, out of fear of what they don't know, of their own inadequacy, of the unknown, the different, of change. Life is change, full of obstacles and odds we can't change. We can only decided how we will react to them. Life at the MTC can be so artificial, so superfluous in formality, tradition, and restriction of creativity. But I am learning patience. Learning to let things roll off my shoulders that I don't have the power to change. I am learning that life can still happen originality and individuality of experience still sprout amidst the lack of sunlight (literally, we are shuffled from building to building, waking up before the sun's up, and head home after its down) and trampling feet. I am sure that once I make it to Sweden the myriad of rules will all have practical sense. That my dealings of people will make it all worth it. I feel like I've been a student and a child for so long. I want outtaa here, to get to work and be with the people I've been called to serve. The MTC should only be 3 weeks tops. Long enough to break you down, get a foundation, learn to live on one’s own and then ship us off.
I'm tired of being told how either amazing we are for choosing to serve a mission or how inadequate we are for not perfectly obeying (them). I want to prove how obedient I can be to the spirits prompting, to the Lord, and to God by doing amazing things, and serving amazing people.
I have so much more so say. ahhhh.
I'm feeling really good. I know I mostly only wrote on how hard this week has been and I didn't get to the how I'm now doing awesome bit, sorry, i’ll fill you in next week.
Love, Christian
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
2. Take two
January 14, 2015
Today was P day. It was a relaxing yet tiresome day. I am so tired I feel like crying. The attrition of daily life is breaking me down. I have no time to feel anything, to think, process, or slow down.
The moments I do have that are enlightening are priceless. I am learning more about the basics of the Gospel, and feeling it more. It is funny that whenever I hear a lesson that I get something totally different out of it then what everyone else did. Sometimes the complete opposite.
I'm getting more used to waking up early, but I'm kinda confused on the efficiency of the sleep program. I may wake up on time, be to class on time, and be there for 14 hours. But throughout the whole time I'm in a sleep drprived stupor. I've gotten really good at sleeping with my head up, sometimes eyes open, once standing up giving prayer. I can look straight into the teachers eyes and be nodding but still sleeping. The attitude is that sleeping, is a sin. Some people brag about how they stay up way later and wake up way earlier than everyone else. But come class time they are totally useless and sleep through class. Technically they are following the rules of the proper wake up time.
I am mostly tired of feeling guilty, inadequate, and sometimes a mind-numbing hopelessness. I can usually snap out of it, but there is no relief. I don't like to feel irritated, and constantly out of my comfort zone, and then feel trapped in a vicious cycle.
Also, I lost my journal today. I'm writing on scratch paper.
Also, I went to the temple today without my contacts in. It was really nice to not have to see. To have the world blur around me and have a brief time to process my life without the constant burage of constant information.
Sometimes people suck, your day sucks, and there's nothing you can do except to hope that when I get my blink of a nights sleep that the new day will spark something different.
Jan 15, 2015
This morning I felt horrible. I was so discouraged.
Our lesson however went so great! I actually understood what she was saying. #giftoftongues or at least my own private miracle. I really needed that. I felt connected to my words and the spirit.
Later that day...
Worst feeling yet. I actually cried in class. I totally gave up and stared out the window. I didn't talk at all during lunch.
(Don't worry it gets better, but first I was bored in class and wrote this about how I felt at the time):
I stared out the window in hopelessness. Watching the tremulous tree branches sway in the cool winter breeze, or the lines of my sweaty palms shake, or the sound of my shallow breath against the dull hum of conversation around me--just white noise to me now as I question my decision to become a missionary. Trying to pray, but feeling so hurt, numb, and disheartened I couldn't bring myself to form thoughts. I watched my surroundings with that strange interest in trivial things that I try to develop when things of high import make me afraid, or when stirred by some new emotion for which I cannot find expression, or when some thought that terrifies me lays sudden siege to my brain and call on me to take pause.
--
In class I held back tears, and words of pain and despair. I soon retreated to the restroom to compose myself and look in the mirror with my mocking reflection of what outwardly appeared to be a confident missionary of the Lord. I felt so inadequate, alone, and vulnerable.
That evening I bared my soul, my emotions, feelings, and testimony of God's love, Joseph Smith's restorations of the Gospel, and of prayer. I felt freed from my mental prison. I felt so relaxed, understood briefly by my MTC friends, and accepted/loved from my Heavenly Parents. Oh! What a kind word or sincere invitation can do! That's what I aspire to do as a missionary, have an open ear, a kind work, sincere love, and a burning testimony of Christ. To help people like me. People who feel different, misunderstood, small, different, afraid, and alone. I believe that the heart of the Gospel is love, kindness, and repentance. I bear witness of the truthfulness of Christ's teachings of love and His gospel of happiness.
Jan. 16, 2015
I found my journal today! I am kinda used to to getting enough sleep and gaving my mind feel hazy. It's kinda going away and getting better. Or maybe I'm just better able to handle the drugery. I feel especially bonded to my district today, they're like my family of Swedes.
I'm learning proper grammar in Swedish and it's starting to come together.
I read my dad's first MTC week experience and it's very similar to mine. It's crazy. We went through the same hopelessness. Though it was kinda cool that he had Mom to think about.
It's sad that sometimes I have to have something I love taken away from me to appreciate and desperately long for that thing. My family, my friends, my freedom. I seriously think about each member of the family each day. And a couple of my friends. If I didn't believe in eternal families as a Mormon I would definitely change religions. The gospel is amazing, it inspires, uplifts, and rings of truth. Some people, including myself, kinda distort it sometimes and our mistakes/traditions/lack of thought can really hurt others. I hope to try to be very aware of others needs, and help anyway I can.
Jan. 17, 2015
Just another day of missionary life for Aldste (Elder) Flynn.
Had 3 cookies, 2 bowls of coco pebbles, and 4 glasses of chocolate milk for breakfast.
Jan 18, 2015
Today Me and Elder Harrison skipped dinner today and went to a piano room to just chill. He played ad lib songs and I drew on the board. It was so therapeutic. For like 20 minutes he wrote me a song that was supposed to reflect my personality, struggles, and passions. I told him briefly what I loved and feared most and he did a pretty good job of making a song that encapsulated me. There was lots of extremes in it. Slow thoughtful bits, fast crazy bits. Mostly on the two ends of the piano. Chaos and peace.
I listened to Apostle Ballard and Nelson today. It was kinda cool, and everyone was freaking out. But I liked the opening speaker better. He was a humble guy, with an incredible life story, personality, and message. The other two I dozed off in.
Jan 21, 2015
My departure date is February 16th.
If I was English speaking I already feel prepped and ready to go. I gave a few practice lesson in English and they went awesome. With the language go I'm like a preschooler, or a cave man.
Much of the same. The days blur together into one long roller coaster ride of emotions, struggles, and moments of clarity with God.
One of the hardest things is that everyone equates being constantly busy to being productive. My companion paces, or flips through the scriptures aimlessly, then chats with the sisters, then learns a word, then wants to sing a hymn, then wants to get a drink of water, then needs to use the restroom, then wants to plan the intro of a lesson, then paces again. He seems to be constantly at work, but really he doesn't accomplish anything. I want to sit in quiet for at least an hour, pound out a lesson, or study a list of new words, or read the scriptures and think about what they're saying. I have no time to think or process anything. If I stare out into the distance, thinking, I get called out for daydreaming and am asked to read aloud from now on. Which is something I do not like to do. Also, there is no silence, everyone is uncomfortable with any form of silence. They have to pratter on aimlessly, or hum, remark on how quiet things are, asking what's wrong. It is wrong to think?
A disclaimer, I do have fun with my district, we are the loudest and funniest at lunch and meetings, but I can't do two totally different tasks at once. I can't both study and carry on a humorous conversation. I can't feel the spirit guide my testimony and lesson if everyone is aimlessly talking about who knows what. Sometimes I grab another Elder who feels the same, so we can study in a separate room, get things done, and then come back to hang out. I am so scared of the language, I can't give up my time to do something unproductive.
I now teach two investigators. My first investigator turned into a second language teacher. It was funny how much of the class was so surprised at this. I treated it as real but come on, you could see the hem of her garment under her collar, she had a Utahn accent, and she came in wearing a mtc badge. Some people are so unobservant. Am I too critical? I'm trying to be more positive. It's just when I write I kinda vent.
I feel like I'm being broken down, I hope to build me back up into something better. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My goal for this week was to focus on others. I got my district to fast for a day and it was really awesome. We had an hour testimony meeting with just us Swedes and it was really touching to hear everyone's backstories.
Well, my companion is eager to go and my times up, I have more to write but I'll try to get it next time.
I love you all so much. Sorry if I'm super focused on my problems when I write. Keeping telling me all the details about your lives, because just a short time ago that was my life.
It just makes my day when you write me.
Also, if you could. Could you break down in the Atonement between Christ's suffering in Gestsemene and his death. What did what? Also, what's the difference between baptism and repentance. Why do I need to get baptized if I repent. Also, what's the difference between grace and mercy. Sorry I'm so vague. I gotta go, but I've been studying over this and scriptures and too vague, and pamphlets too brief and no one can give me an answer. They say that it should be a personal answer from study, but I kinda just think they don't know. Because no one has been able to answer any of my questions.
---Hey, send me pictures. I love adding it to my panorama of photos on my window that I can see as I study before bed.
Lots of love, Christian
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
Today was P day. It was a relaxing yet tiresome day. I am so tired I feel like crying. The attrition of daily life is breaking me down. I have no time to feel anything, to think, process, or slow down.
The moments I do have that are enlightening are priceless. I am learning more about the basics of the Gospel, and feeling it more. It is funny that whenever I hear a lesson that I get something totally different out of it then what everyone else did. Sometimes the complete opposite.
I'm getting more used to waking up early, but I'm kinda confused on the efficiency of the sleep program. I may wake up on time, be to class on time, and be there for 14 hours. But throughout the whole time I'm in a sleep drprived stupor. I've gotten really good at sleeping with my head up, sometimes eyes open, once standing up giving prayer. I can look straight into the teachers eyes and be nodding but still sleeping. The attitude is that sleeping, is a sin. Some people brag about how they stay up way later and wake up way earlier than everyone else. But come class time they are totally useless and sleep through class. Technically they are following the rules of the proper wake up time.I am mostly tired of feeling guilty, inadequate, and sometimes a mind-numbing hopelessness. I can usually snap out of it, but there is no relief. I don't like to feel irritated, and constantly out of my comfort zone, and then feel trapped in a vicious cycle.
Also, I lost my journal today. I'm writing on scratch paper.Also, I went to the temple today without my contacts in. It was really nice to not have to see. To have the world blur around me and have a brief time to process my life without the constant burage of constant information.
Sometimes people suck, your day sucks, and there's nothing you can do except to hope that when I get my blink of a nights sleep that the new day will spark something different.
Jan 15, 2015
This morning I felt horrible. I was so discouraged.
Our lesson however went so great! I actually understood what she was saying. #giftoftongues or at least my own private miracle. I really needed that. I felt connected to my words and the spirit.
Later that day...
Worst feeling yet. I actually cried in class. I totally gave up and stared out the window. I didn't talk at all during lunch.
(Don't worry it gets better, but first I was bored in class and wrote this about how I felt at the time):
I stared out the window in hopelessness. Watching the tremulous tree branches sway in the cool winter breeze, or the lines of my sweaty palms shake, or the sound of my shallow breath against the dull hum of conversation around me--just white noise to me now as I question my decision to become a missionary. Trying to pray, but feeling so hurt, numb, and disheartened I couldn't bring myself to form thoughts. I watched my surroundings with that strange interest in trivial things that I try to develop when things of high import make me afraid, or when stirred by some new emotion for which I cannot find expression, or when some thought that terrifies me lays sudden siege to my brain and call on me to take pause.
--
In class I held back tears, and words of pain and despair. I soon retreated to the restroom to compose myself and look in the mirror with my mocking reflection of what outwardly appeared to be a confident missionary of the Lord. I felt so inadequate, alone, and vulnerable.
That evening I bared my soul, my emotions, feelings, and testimony of God's love, Joseph Smith's restorations of the Gospel, and of prayer. I felt freed from my mental prison. I felt so relaxed, understood briefly by my MTC friends, and accepted/loved from my Heavenly Parents. Oh! What a kind word or sincere invitation can do! That's what I aspire to do as a missionary, have an open ear, a kind work, sincere love, and a burning testimony of Christ. To help people like me. People who feel different, misunderstood, small, different, afraid, and alone. I believe that the heart of the Gospel is love, kindness, and repentance. I bear witness of the truthfulness of Christ's teachings of love and His gospel of happiness.
Jan. 16, 2015
I found my journal today! I am kinda used to to getting enough sleep and gaving my mind feel hazy. It's kinda going away and getting better. Or maybe I'm just better able to handle the drugery. I feel especially bonded to my district today, they're like my family of Swedes.
I'm learning proper grammar in Swedish and it's starting to come together.
I read my dad's first MTC week experience and it's very similar to mine. It's crazy. We went through the same hopelessness. Though it was kinda cool that he had Mom to think about.
It's sad that sometimes I have to have something I love taken away from me to appreciate and desperately long for that thing. My family, my friends, my freedom. I seriously think about each member of the family each day. And a couple of my friends. If I didn't believe in eternal families as a Mormon I would definitely change religions. The gospel is amazing, it inspires, uplifts, and rings of truth. Some people, including myself, kinda distort it sometimes and our mistakes/traditions/lack of thought can really hurt others. I hope to try to be very aware of others needs, and help anyway I can.
Jan. 17, 2015
Just another day of missionary life for Aldste (Elder) Flynn.
Had 3 cookies, 2 bowls of coco pebbles, and 4 glasses of chocolate milk for breakfast.
Jan 18, 2015
Today Me and Elder Harrison skipped dinner today and went to a piano room to just chill. He played ad lib songs and I drew on the board. It was so therapeutic. For like 20 minutes he wrote me a song that was supposed to reflect my personality, struggles, and passions. I told him briefly what I loved and feared most and he did a pretty good job of making a song that encapsulated me. There was lots of extremes in it. Slow thoughtful bits, fast crazy bits. Mostly on the two ends of the piano. Chaos and peace.
I listened to Apostle Ballard and Nelson today. It was kinda cool, and everyone was freaking out. But I liked the opening speaker better. He was a humble guy, with an incredible life story, personality, and message. The other two I dozed off in.
Jan 21, 2015
My departure date is February 16th.
If I was English speaking I already feel prepped and ready to go. I gave a few practice lesson in English and they went awesome. With the language go I'm like a preschooler, or a cave man.
Much of the same. The days blur together into one long roller coaster ride of emotions, struggles, and moments of clarity with God.
A disclaimer, I do have fun with my district, we are the loudest and funniest at lunch and meetings, but I can't do two totally different tasks at once. I can't both study and carry on a humorous conversation. I can't feel the spirit guide my testimony and lesson if everyone is aimlessly talking about who knows what. Sometimes I grab another Elder who feels the same, so we can study in a separate room, get things done, and then come back to hang out. I am so scared of the language, I can't give up my time to do something unproductive.
I now teach two investigators. My first investigator turned into a second language teacher. It was funny how much of the class was so surprised at this. I treated it as real but come on, you could see the hem of her garment under her collar, she had a Utahn accent, and she came in wearing a mtc badge. Some people are so unobservant. Am I too critical? I'm trying to be more positive. It's just when I write I kinda vent.
I feel like I'm being broken down, I hope to build me back up into something better. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My goal for this week was to focus on others. I got my district to fast for a day and it was really awesome. We had an hour testimony meeting with just us Swedes and it was really touching to hear everyone's backstories.
Well, my companion is eager to go and my times up, I have more to write but I'll try to get it next time.
I love you all so much. Sorry if I'm super focused on my problems when I write. Keeping telling me all the details about your lives, because just a short time ago that was my life.
It just makes my day when you write me.
Also, if you could. Could you break down in the Atonement between Christ's suffering in Gestsemene and his death. What did what? Also, what's the difference between baptism and repentance. Why do I need to get baptized if I repent. Also, what's the difference between grace and mercy. Sorry I'm so vague. I gotta go, but I've been studying over this and scriptures and too vague, and pamphlets too brief and no one can give me an answer. They say that it should be a personal answer from study, but I kinda just think they don't know. Because no one has been able to answer any of my questions.
---Hey, send me pictures. I love adding it to my panorama of photos on my window that I can see as I study before bed.
Lots of love, Christian
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
1. One week down, One hundred and three to go...
January 7, 2015
Today was long, hard, exhausting, but surprisingly good. Apparently the car in front of me, when mom dropped me off, was David Archuleta dropping someone off. The rules are annoying, I miss my family, I'm wearing uncomfortable clothes, and I have the weirdest feeling that I'm an undercover agent from MI6, because I'm dressed like James Bond all day, and it feels like I'm infiltrating the enemy's camp. I'm kinda in the Lion's Den here. Looking back, I'll probably think that I had the worst attitude. Even now I'm smiling to myself.
However, I love my district. There are 9 of us and we're all excited to learn Swedish and they are just as scared/lost as I am. I find myself bored in meetings, but in small groups I love getting to know people and talking it out.
My first companion is Micheal G. Richardson. You should look him up on facebook or something. He's from Ogden, Utah. We're kinda opposites in most ways, by the book, but a nice enough guy.
I really click with one or two of the elders, one is really funny and the other is very thoughtful, fun to be around, and the nicest guy (he also happens to be like 250 lbs of 6 ft. 3 pure U.S. military trained muscle. And he sings opera. :) ).
The sisters are so cool! And surprisingly normal, funny, and cute. They have the best comments to say, and in a lot of ways outshine the elders. Right now the ratio is about 40/60 (elders to sisters). But I'm told that in a few months (when the surge of 18 year old missionaries return and the numbers drop) that the ratio will be a 50/50 split.
I found that I have to grow into being a missionary, and that it doesn't just come with the suit and nametag. I can tell that I'm in overdrive, am completely overloaded, and overstimulated. I feel a lot of opposites today. It feels so incredibly wrong to leave my family and friends, but it feels good that I'm here.
Today was so surreal! I still don't think I've completely processed it. Saying bye to Ashton and Elisabeth was hard, with lots of silly hugs and kisses. I choked up when saying bye to Hunter. We mostly expressed our love in making fun of people, jokes, and teasing each other. I teared up after he left. Dad gave me a hug and I felt his scruffy cheeks for the last time in two years. I really think I'm going to miss his stories, advice, and love, but mostly, our adventures. I said bye to Madi (by the way one of the sister in my Swedish District is just like Madi, sassy, funny, and the most popular/likable person around. She even teases people like her, comparing people to random objects like muffins or whatever.). I then drove with Mom to the MTC, and was late (per my usual) and cried after she left.
--It's lights out and a scary voice just came over the intercom saying "LIGHTS OUT!" So God Natt!
January 8, 2015
Second day at the MTC.
Just woke up and remembered I'm here. Exhilarating and sad. But mostly sad. I feel like I'm in the book Ender's Game. Rooming with the new shipment of fresh recruits, all nervous and excited. With the bunk beds, cafeteria, and everyone trying to establish him or herself all in the Holy purpose of the mass Genocide of an Alien species (sharing the gospel and my testimony. I guess that the metaphor only goes so far.) There is even the chain of command with good leaders and bad ones. Lazy ones and strict ones. Inspiring ones, and, uh, not so inspiring ones.
Right now it's just me and my companion in our room. There are 20ish Swedes here, which is alot because before we got here there were only 3. I pushed two of the beds together and have one large queen with a view of the mountains.
I miss music, and Netflix, and MOVIES!!! The last song I listened to was 'Monsters n' Stuff and The Luckiest by Ben Folds.
Today was so long! Everyday is a week. It was really good though. I love my district, especially the sisters. We have the funniest group, and everyone is so much fun. Today I was the funny guy (peppy). I am the Senior Companion (doesn't mean anything because it was chosen by last name and my companion was chosen as the District leader. Heaven Help me. I'm already gonna struggle.
Gym sucked today and was like Jr. High. Everyone was awkward, a little bit sweaty, and, err. sorry-- I've been told to only use "uplifting language."
So far I'm really excited to be here, I'm just antsy to go to Sweden and actually BE a missionary. And not just in prison. I kinda roll my eyes and suffer through the orientation/formalities which all the grown ups seem to just adore. It is cool to meet people from around the world though. I want to focus on getting to know of few people really well, and not lots of people superficially. We spent a lot of time sharing, talking, and laughing. We also got to talk to a practice investigator which was so neat. Mostly because I thrive on asking questions and that's most of what you do as a missionary. Get to know and love people. It helped that they talked in English though.
I haven't had a chance to take a breather, even to read the scriptures. The day is so full, classes are great though. The first day the teacher greeted us in Swedish and hasn't spoken a word of English yet. I'm learning a lot. Lots of patience and learning to live constantly surrounded by people. I'm both amazed at how efficient, and how inefficient some of the rules and customs are here. They have an amazing training program but I can't stand aimless meetings and the lack of personal study time. I need time to process and think in silence. The Gospel is so personal, I think it should be treated as such.
I rarely go outside and feel a little bit trapped. I feel like I'm constantly asking why instead of accepting the way things are like everyone else. I'm not trying to be difficult I just want to do things purposefully. I hope I'm not alone in that. I just have to find the others. I feel like I've been here for weeks. Crazy to think a week ago I was snowboarding with Sara Marple and talking with Alyssa Gailey.
I'm split between trying to keep my individuality and being "exactly" obedient. As well as listening to my own thoughts, spiritual impressions, and moral compass as well as being teachable, humble, and allow myself to be critiqued/altered. How could I feel like I'm choosing between two goods?
I love people. Aldste (Elder) Harrison is hilarious and Sister Hong (the one who reminds me of the mexican version of Madison) is like my BSF (best sister friend).
I will be teaching an investigator (probably a fake one, cause they aren't ready for me to be unleashed on them yet) in Swedish tomorrow (third day).
It's cool to see people I've met from BYU here- insta friends (including one in my district, he was the army guy who sings opera and was in my economics class).
Well, it's probably bed time, my roomate is already asleep.
I miss saying goodnight and I love you to my family, giving Ashton and Elisabeth a kiss on the forehead as they fend me off with little kicks and punches, and having Dad check up on me at night and give me some teasing remarks as I stay up super late watching some (probably inappropriate ) tv show.
January 9, 2015
Today was a struggle. I woke up tired and realized that the last 10 minutes of the day are my favorite (and shower time, ohh, and lunch). In the shower it's just me, my thoughts, and the hot water running over my head, releasing the tension in my body and mind. Numbing my anxious thoughts and feelings of dread for the hard day to come.
Today I felt like I was really disconnected from people, myself (if that makes sense), and the language. My companion being the district leader is... difficult. He doesn't like to compromise with me as much as I'd like. IDK, maybe he thinks I'm being difficult. What I view as guidlines, he takes as law etched in stone. He's quickly using up my reserve of patience. Tomorrow will be better. I'm going to read one of my "save for a rainy day letters" right now. (Only on the third day!) :(
I have a feeling that my journal will be very different from others. I promised myself to always be truthful to myself and to you. This journal and these emails home will be a place for me to vent my feelings in place of talking to you.
--Part of me wants to go home. --There, I said it.-- I hope that I will be able to mostly speak in English in Sweden. A language is cool and all but having to engage someone into the Gospel in a foreign language is daunting. In a lot of ways I can't relate to the people here at the MTC. I'm trying to learn and listen, I just want to feel heard too. I miss hugs. I realized I crave affection. Maybe I'll stay up an extra hour to read my contraband stash of books. Something to let me escape reality for a second, to readjust my outlook. I hope when I get to Sweden that it'll be better. I will try to have faith that with work and the spirit, I can become good enough.
... Just read the letter from my mom (the ones reserved for a bad day). I needed that so much! Today was awful, today was hard, today was a bad day. Without your support I wouldn't be here. Your words were just what I needed to hear, and I confess to crying myself to sleep.
I sense that my Mission will test the weakest parts of my character. Making me face the things I fear most.
--Ether 12:27 "If 'you' come unto me I will show unto your weakness. I give you weakness to become humble before me. If you act in faith, --then will I make weak things become strong unto you." I will trust the wise words of Jesus Christ, and the even wiser words of mom. I will keep trying to not give up.
January 10
I really enjoy talking to people when they are being real and vulnerable. Me and one of the other Elders in my District (Elder Burke) cheered each other up today. We are both really struggling and are hard on ourselves. Today is ok. I had fun playing in the morning, but in the evening I really appreciated the quiet time. I feel shackled to my companion. I thought about how to sneak away and hide from him. I just realized how ironic it is that my companion is the district lead and that I am me. He snapped at me earlier for not respecting him while he was speaking (not making direct eye contact while he was addressing the group). Today the lesson was better. The first lesson was just confusing and had a lot of charades. I feel like whenever I am spontaneous I'm much more in tune with the spirit. I need to just push forward with confidence... and learn an entire language. ya know. basic stuff.
It's funny, I stay up past curfew to write in my journal and read my stash of contraband books (today it was "A Picture of Dorian Gray"), while my companion was pouring over the missionary guidelines and rules/dress code. --To each there own I guess.
January 11
The days here at the MTC are soooooooo long. I'm told the weeks are short thought, and the months fly by. Well, so far that's a lie!!!
Life here is much more full than what I'm expressing. I just have so little time to write. This past week has been really humbling--which in some ways I'm not sure is a good thing. The first day was really fun, the other days were mostly work.
Today was the first day of choir which was inspiring. I finally figured out what people mean when they say sing from the stomach.
I'm starting to feel more like myself-- but kinda the college version where I'm overworked and feel like something's missing, like IDK... my family!!!
I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm assuming everyone else is struggling and secretely hiding it. There's a taboo about saying anything negative (true feelings) at all. Which might outwardly seem good, but it is exhausting and kinda insincere.
My district and I walked to the temple today. It was weird. I felt like I was being freed from a prison. Also, I didn't feel like a missionary, I felt like me in Sunday clothes.
I am constantly switching between feeling touched by the spirit and feeling empty. What's up?
I'm relying heavily on the attitude of looking to turn experiences into lessons. But honestly, do I really need to learn the lesson of patience over and over again?
January 12
We are forced to wake up early everyday, but it was nice that today we had nothing scheduled for the morning and were able to hang out, sing, and talk. Every day is a little bit better.
--Funny thing, remember how my district leader was my companion who's kinda "by the book," well the thoughtful opera singing army man was called to be the zone leader. He's really chill and happens to be just one step above him. hehe.
It was a balanced good day. Part fun, learning Swedish, lesson planning, investigator discussions, service, and getting closer to my companion. He's a football playing typical Mormon guy. We are working better together.
--The days are kinda getting repetitive.
January 13
Today was a break through! I bared my testimony (in English to my companion) of repentance, prayer, and our relationship with our Heavenly Parents. By removing the language barrier I felt like myself and could 'feel' my testimony burning. The Doctrine of Christ for me has always been very intellectual, but I'm feeling how emotional, fundamental, visceral, and personal it is.
--I found that asking questions is the best way for me to teach. It really helps me reach out to whoever I'm talking to. I can't even get over how amazing that was. It was a definite shift in my testimony. It was the first real time I was excited and confident as a missionary.
Funny thing though, everyone else expressed how that this was their worst day yet (tomorrow's the week mark.)
Learning Swedish is a huge mental block for me. I am very frustrated. Swedish and working with missionaries are going to be my two biggest stumbling blocks.
--Russel M. Nelson spoke to us today at a devotional (and I was in the choir). Everyone was so excited about his talk, but I didn't think it was all that special. I loved another speaker though who actually had a personality, and was humble, and lived the Gospel in a refreshing and relatable way.
I already am antsy to get to Sweden. I'm tired of formalities, meetings, classrooms, and the redundancies. I want to have real experiences with real people.
I'm trying to forget myself, but it's a struggle. My feelings are usually in the tired, confused, overworked state. With long stretches of discomfort and flashes of inspiration/happiness. I kinda settle in the crappy-ok, fine, level of the spectrum. Is that normal? Do I have to be normal. Is it ok that I'm freaking out? Sometimes I wish that I felt, thought, and made choices like everyone else seems to. I do however love my individuality, and am hoping that I can touch people's lives in ways that other people don't.
--Life is so hard, how can I ever judge someone. Sorry, random thought.
Writing is very therapeutic. I often stay an extra hour up to write. I'm so tired.
I'm afraid to stop writing, I feel like I'm in a bubble and when it pops I have to go back to missionary life.
I vent when I write, but I really am glad I stuck it out his long. I also get easily irritated at things and annoyed by people that I am forced to do/be with all day- everyday.
I love you all so much, and miss you more than you know.
Love, Christian
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
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