When Christian was very young he was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder. He learned coping mechanisms--breathing techniques, being aware of his emotions and feelings, taking breaks and meditation, etc. to deal with it. He learned that when he begins to feel overloaded that a quick run, hike or walk alone, or writing, could unwind a stressful situation or day. Other times he would call home and talk things out with a close friend or family member. Simply reading a good book could also calm and clear his mind and he could stay happy, functional and balanced. In fact, he has gotten so good at handling his stress over the years that we have nearly forgotten how stress and anxiety effects him.
For the last month Christian has been in lock-down at the MTC--being crammed into a small classroom for 16 hours a day, rarely seeing the sunlight, rarely getting exercise, being banned from talking to family and friends or reading books (besides scriptures) and is glued 24-7 to a companion who is bullying him and constantly trying to put down or find fault in Christian him. Worse, he can never, ever have alone time. All of his usual coping mechanisms had been taken away so needless to say, Christian began having an anxiety nuclear melt-down. His anxiety levels went through the roof and he had no way to decompress and vent.
Tuesday, I (Dad) was home working on taxes when the phone rings, caller-ID says, "Provo, Utah". I pick up, "Hello?" "Hi dad, it's me Christian!..." (long pause)... "Hello...What's going on?" To this he broke down in tears and began to sob. "I think I want to come home. I'm suffocating here." He told me that he is seeing a counselor there and they administered a stress test on him. They said an average person scores about 20-40, most missionaries at the MTC score 40-50 due to the added stress of the MTC. Christian said he has taken it twice, the first time a 90, the second time 110. He said suicidal is 140. We talked for about twenty minutes. It was a good talk filled with love, understanding and optimism. He was able to vent and share. I told him how much we love him, how proud we are of him and how strong he is. I reassured him that we would accept what ever decision he makes. I reassured him, however, that the MTC was not his mission, Sweden was his mission. Sweden would be different--a new companion, space, a semblance of freedom, exercise and the outdoors, and best of all real human interactions. I then emphasized that instead of focusing on how he wanted things to be, to focus on how he could love them more. I told him to see the good and potential in those around him, and then see what he has to offer them. I promised him as he sought their happiness that he would find his. In the end, it was all about love. We love him, we're proud of him no matter what happens and we will always be there for him.
Just being able to talk probably brought his anxiety levels down to the lowest they've been in weeks. He said he would keep trying and thanked me for talking. He will continue to meet with the counselor who will determine his ability to leave with the rest of the group in a few weeks.
The next day was his P-day and after a sleepless and prayerful night, the follow conversation took place between Sandra (Mom) and Christian via back and forth emails:
Mom:
Are you on yet??
Christian:
Yes! Alyssa is going through a hard time now and I'm using my time replying to her, so I won't be able to write my usual weekly journal entries today. Maybe later I can log back on and send some pictures. I'll try to send you a written mailed version of my journal entries later this week, so maybe you could go back and put it on my blog.
I am doing so good right now! I just think everything culminated to one point of givingupness. I had the best day after I got off the phone with Dad. I wish I could have talked to you too! I really have integrated into my district and when I turn outward and tried to make other people feel better, I feel better. We had the best testimony/emotional meeting, and I lead a group of Scandinavians in a morning run, and I got my district to start playing games during breaks. I'm trying to keep creative in this place. I am all over the place, but I feel good when I can connect to you, the fam, my friends through email. I think I should be able to talk on the phone once a month. :) Also, I've seen a therapist twice, and have another appointment on Friday. I just had the worst week, but I feel it turning around. I finally feel control--at least for now. I'll get back to you on that. :) I have learned over 1200 swedish words, but the last few days I've been focusing on the people around me. I realized I'm going to be so out of my depth in Sweden with language, that it's more important that I'm a functional person first. If I don't learn how to love on my mission then what was the point of me being here? I love you all. Also, I binge read all of the rainy day letters from the family, I loved them all and I balled that night. Emotions are high. Happy and sad. My therapist thinks I should go home, but I really think I can do this, especially when I leave the MTC. I guess this email could be part of my blog.
Are you still there I got like 10 minutes?
Mom:
Yep, I'm here! So happy you're doing better!! I love you so so much!
So you think you're going to stay? Does the therapist have any say in it?
Christian:
I think she does. As of now I'm definitely staying. I'm hoping I'm gonna balance out. I'm kinda tired of the nose dives, turns, and jerks straight up. I think i can, i think i can, i think i can. :)
Tell Zack and Krissy so incredibly much! I love the picture from Harper, the picture of her and Dad and me, and the cookies. Sooooo Good! Everyone's letters and support mean so much to me!
Mom:
Did you get Madi and E's letters?
Christian:
Yes!!! I loved them! I put the pictures right next to the window, next to my head. Tell them I love em' and that they helped me so much. Elisabeth was so sweet and made be so happy, and Madison's letter was just what I needed to here. She made me laugh. I definitely considered running away, hiding in my BYU apartment, running up the mountain, sneaking into a closet and just sleeping for days. I am trying to be strong for them. I'm sorry for Madison about her break up. They are tough. It took me months to really get over my last girlfriend. But Madi's so smart, funny, and freakin' gorgeous she'll be just fine. Boys suck anyway.
Gotta go. xoxoxox
Maybe I can sneak on a few pictures later. Thanks for the lyrics, emails, and stories. I need to keep updated on your lives.
<3
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| Exhausted |
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| Yes that's Christian in the back with the beanie over his head |
Mom:
I see you managed to sneak in and send pics! ;)
Christian:
<3
:)
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
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