January 7, 2015
Today was long, hard, exhausting, but surprisingly good. Apparently the car in front of me, when mom dropped me off, was David Archuleta dropping someone off. The rules are annoying, I miss my family, I'm wearing uncomfortable clothes, and I have the weirdest feeling that I'm an undercover agent from MI6, because I'm dressed like James Bond all day, and it feels like I'm infiltrating the enemy's camp. I'm kinda in the Lion's Den here. Looking back, I'll probably think that I had the worst attitude. Even now I'm smiling to myself.
However, I love my district. There are 9 of us and we're all excited to learn Swedish and they are just as scared/lost as I am. I find myself bored in meetings, but in small groups I love getting to know people and talking it out.
My first companion is Micheal G. Richardson. You should look him up on facebook or something. He's from Ogden, Utah. We're kinda opposites in most ways, by the book, but a nice enough guy.
I really click with one or two of the elders, one is really funny and the other is very thoughtful, fun to be around, and the nicest guy (he also happens to be like 250 lbs of 6 ft. 3 pure U.S. military trained muscle. And he sings opera. :) ).
The sisters are so cool! And surprisingly normal, funny, and cute. They have the best comments to say, and in a lot of ways outshine the elders. Right now the ratio is about 40/60 (elders to sisters). But I'm told that in a few months (when the surge of 18 year old missionaries return and the numbers drop) that the ratio will be a 50/50 split.
I found that I have to grow into being a missionary, and that it doesn't just come with the suit and nametag. I can tell that I'm in overdrive, am completely overloaded, and overstimulated. I feel a lot of opposites today. It feels so incredibly wrong to leave my family and friends, but it feels good that I'm here.
Today was so surreal! I still don't think I've completely processed it. Saying bye to Ashton and Elisabeth was hard, with lots of silly hugs and kisses. I choked up when saying bye to Hunter. We mostly expressed our love in making fun of people, jokes, and teasing each other. I teared up after he left. Dad gave me a hug and I felt his scruffy cheeks for the last time in two years. I really think I'm going to miss his stories, advice, and love, but mostly, our adventures. I said bye to Madi (by the way one of the sister in my Swedish District is just like Madi, sassy, funny, and the most popular/likable person around. She even teases people like her, comparing people to random objects like muffins or whatever.). I then drove with Mom to the MTC, and was late (per my usual) and cried after she left.
--It's lights out and a scary voice just came over the intercom saying "LIGHTS OUT!" So God Natt!
January 8, 2015
Second day at the MTC.
Just woke up and remembered I'm here. Exhilarating and sad. But mostly sad. I feel like I'm in the book Ender's Game. Rooming with the new shipment of fresh recruits, all nervous and excited. With the bunk beds, cafeteria, and everyone trying to establish him or herself all in the Holy purpose of the mass Genocide of an Alien species (sharing the gospel and my testimony. I guess that the metaphor only goes so far.) There is even the chain of command with good leaders and bad ones. Lazy ones and strict ones. Inspiring ones, and, uh, not so inspiring ones.
Right now it's just me and my companion in our room. There are 20ish Swedes here, which is alot because before we got here there were only 3. I pushed two of the beds together and have one large queen with a view of the mountains.
I miss music, and Netflix, and MOVIES!!! The last song I listened to was 'Monsters n' Stuff and The Luckiest by Ben Folds.
Today was so long! Everyday is a week. It was really good though. I love my district, especially the sisters. We have the funniest group, and everyone is so much fun. Today I was the funny guy (peppy). I am the Senior Companion (doesn't mean anything because it was chosen by last name and my companion was chosen as the District leader. Heaven Help me. I'm already gonna struggle.
Gym sucked today and was like Jr. High. Everyone was awkward, a little bit sweaty, and, err. sorry-- I've been told to only use "uplifting language."
So far I'm really excited to be here, I'm just antsy to go to Sweden and actually BE a missionary. And not just in prison. I kinda roll my eyes and suffer through the orientation/formalities which all the grown ups seem to just adore. It is cool to meet people from around the world though. I want to focus on getting to know of few people really well, and not lots of people superficially. We spent a lot of time sharing, talking, and laughing. We also got to talk to a practice investigator which was so neat. Mostly because I thrive on asking questions and that's most of what you do as a missionary. Get to know and love people. It helped that they talked in English though.
I haven't had a chance to take a breather, even to read the scriptures. The day is so full, classes are great though. The first day the teacher greeted us in Swedish and hasn't spoken a word of English yet. I'm learning a lot. Lots of patience and learning to live constantly surrounded by people. I'm both amazed at how efficient, and how inefficient some of the rules and customs are here. They have an amazing training program but I can't stand aimless meetings and the lack of personal study time. I need time to process and think in silence. The Gospel is so personal, I think it should be treated as such.
I rarely go outside and feel a little bit trapped. I feel like I'm constantly asking why instead of accepting the way things are like everyone else. I'm not trying to be difficult I just want to do things purposefully. I hope I'm not alone in that. I just have to find the others. I feel like I've been here for weeks. Crazy to think a week ago I was snowboarding with Sara Marple and talking with Alyssa Gailey.
I'm split between trying to keep my individuality and being "exactly" obedient. As well as listening to my own thoughts, spiritual impressions, and moral compass as well as being teachable, humble, and allow myself to be critiqued/altered. How could I feel like I'm choosing between two goods?
I love people. Aldste (Elder) Harrison is hilarious and Sister Hong (the one who reminds me of the mexican version of Madison) is like my BSF (best sister friend).
I will be teaching an investigator (probably a fake one, cause they aren't ready for me to be unleashed on them yet) in Swedish tomorrow (third day).
It's cool to see people I've met from BYU here- insta friends (including one in my district, he was the army guy who sings opera and was in my economics class).
Well, it's probably bed time, my roomate is already asleep.
I miss saying goodnight and I love you to my family, giving Ashton and Elisabeth a kiss on the forehead as they fend me off with little kicks and punches, and having Dad check up on me at night and give me some teasing remarks as I stay up super late watching some (probably inappropriate ) tv show.
January 9, 2015
Today was a struggle. I woke up tired and realized that the last 10 minutes of the day are my favorite (and shower time, ohh, and lunch). In the shower it's just me, my thoughts, and the hot water running over my head, releasing the tension in my body and mind. Numbing my anxious thoughts and feelings of dread for the hard day to come.
Today I felt like I was really disconnected from people, myself (if that makes sense), and the language. My companion being the district leader is... difficult. He doesn't like to compromise with me as much as I'd like. IDK, maybe he thinks I'm being difficult. What I view as guidlines, he takes as law etched in stone. He's quickly using up my reserve of patience. Tomorrow will be better. I'm going to read one of my "save for a rainy day letters" right now. (Only on the third day!) :(
I have a feeling that my journal will be very different from others. I promised myself to always be truthful to myself and to you. This journal and these emails home will be a place for me to vent my feelings in place of talking to you.
--Part of me wants to go home. --There, I said it.-- I hope that I will be able to mostly speak in English in Sweden. A language is cool and all but having to engage someone into the Gospel in a foreign language is daunting. In a lot of ways I can't relate to the people here at the MTC. I'm trying to learn and listen, I just want to feel heard too. I miss hugs. I realized I crave affection. Maybe I'll stay up an extra hour to read my contraband stash of books. Something to let me escape reality for a second, to readjust my outlook. I hope when I get to Sweden that it'll be better. I will try to have faith that with work and the spirit, I can become good enough.
... Just read the letter from my mom (the ones reserved for a bad day). I needed that so much! Today was awful, today was hard, today was a bad day. Without your support I wouldn't be here. Your words were just what I needed to hear, and I confess to crying myself to sleep.
I sense that my Mission will test the weakest parts of my character. Making me face the things I fear most.
--Ether 12:27 "If 'you' come unto me I will show unto your weakness. I give you weakness to become humble before me. If you act in faith, --then will I make weak things become strong unto you." I will trust the wise words of Jesus Christ, and the even wiser words of mom. I will keep trying to not give up.
January 10
I really enjoy talking to people when they are being real and vulnerable. Me and one of the other Elders in my District (Elder Burke) cheered each other up today. We are both really struggling and are hard on ourselves. Today is ok. I had fun playing in the morning, but in the evening I really appreciated the quiet time. I feel shackled to my companion. I thought about how to sneak away and hide from him. I just realized how ironic it is that my companion is the district lead and that I am me. He snapped at me earlier for not respecting him while he was speaking (not making direct eye contact while he was addressing the group). Today the lesson was better. The first lesson was just confusing and had a lot of charades. I feel like whenever I am spontaneous I'm much more in tune with the spirit. I need to just push forward with confidence... and learn an entire language. ya know. basic stuff.
It's funny, I stay up past curfew to write in my journal and read my stash of contraband books (today it was "A Picture of Dorian Gray"), while my companion was pouring over the missionary guidelines and rules/dress code. --To each there own I guess.
January 11
The days here at the MTC are soooooooo long. I'm told the weeks are short thought, and the months fly by. Well, so far that's a lie!!!
Life here is much more full than what I'm expressing. I just have so little time to write. This past week has been really humbling--which in some ways I'm not sure is a good thing. The first day was really fun, the other days were mostly work.
Today was the first day of choir which was inspiring. I finally figured out what people mean when they say sing from the stomach.
I'm starting to feel more like myself-- but kinda the college version where I'm overworked and feel like something's missing, like IDK... my family!!!
I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm assuming everyone else is struggling and secretely hiding it. There's a taboo about saying anything negative (true feelings) at all. Which might outwardly seem good, but it is exhausting and kinda insincere.
My district and I walked to the temple today. It was weird. I felt like I was being freed from a prison. Also, I didn't feel like a missionary, I felt like me in Sunday clothes.
I am constantly switching between feeling touched by the spirit and feeling empty. What's up?
I'm relying heavily on the attitude of looking to turn experiences into lessons. But honestly, do I really need to learn the lesson of patience over and over again?
January 12
We are forced to wake up early everyday, but it was nice that today we had nothing scheduled for the morning and were able to hang out, sing, and talk. Every day is a little bit better.
--Funny thing, remember how my district leader was my companion who's kinda "by the book," well the thoughtful opera singing army man was called to be the zone leader. He's really chill and happens to be just one step above him. hehe.
It was a balanced good day. Part fun, learning Swedish, lesson planning, investigator discussions, service, and getting closer to my companion. He's a football playing typical Mormon guy. We are working better together.
--The days are kinda getting repetitive.
January 13
Today was a break through! I bared my testimony (in English to my companion) of repentance, prayer, and our relationship with our Heavenly Parents. By removing the language barrier I felt like myself and could 'feel' my testimony burning. The Doctrine of Christ for me has always been very intellectual, but I'm feeling how emotional, fundamental, visceral, and personal it is.
--I found that asking questions is the best way for me to teach. It really helps me reach out to whoever I'm talking to. I can't even get over how amazing that was. It was a definite shift in my testimony. It was the first real time I was excited and confident as a missionary.
Funny thing though, everyone else expressed how that this was their worst day yet (tomorrow's the week mark.)
Learning Swedish is a huge mental block for me. I am very frustrated. Swedish and working with missionaries are going to be my two biggest stumbling blocks.
--Russel M. Nelson spoke to us today at a devotional (and I was in the choir). Everyone was so excited about his talk, but I didn't think it was all that special. I loved another speaker though who actually had a personality, and was humble, and lived the Gospel in a refreshing and relatable way.
I already am antsy to get to Sweden. I'm tired of formalities, meetings, classrooms, and the redundancies. I want to have real experiences with real people.
I'm trying to forget myself, but it's a struggle. My feelings are usually in the tired, confused, overworked state. With long stretches of discomfort and flashes of inspiration/happiness. I kinda settle in the crappy-ok, fine, level of the spectrum. Is that normal? Do I have to be normal. Is it ok that I'm freaking out? Sometimes I wish that I felt, thought, and made choices like everyone else seems to. I do however love my individuality, and am hoping that I can touch people's lives in ways that other people don't.
--Life is so hard, how can I ever judge someone. Sorry, random thought.
Writing is very therapeutic. I often stay an extra hour up to write. I'm so tired.
I'm afraid to stop writing, I feel like I'm in a bubble and when it pops I have to go back to missionary life.
I vent when I write, but I really am glad I stuck it out his long. I also get easily irritated at things and annoyed by people that I am forced to do/be with all day- everyday.
I love you all so much, and miss you more than you know.
Love, Christian
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
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