Today was P day. It was a relaxing yet tiresome day. I am so tired I feel like crying. The attrition of daily life is breaking me down. I have no time to feel anything, to think, process, or slow down.
The moments I do have that are enlightening are priceless. I am learning more about the basics of the Gospel, and feeling it more. It is funny that whenever I hear a lesson that I get something totally different out of it then what everyone else did. Sometimes the complete opposite.
I'm getting more used to waking up early, but I'm kinda confused on the efficiency of the sleep program. I may wake up on time, be to class on time, and be there for 14 hours. But throughout the whole time I'm in a sleep drprived stupor. I've gotten really good at sleeping with my head up, sometimes eyes open, once standing up giving prayer. I can look straight into the teachers eyes and be nodding but still sleeping. The attitude is that sleeping, is a sin. Some people brag about how they stay up way later and wake up way earlier than everyone else. But come class time they are totally useless and sleep through class. Technically they are following the rules of the proper wake up time.I am mostly tired of feeling guilty, inadequate, and sometimes a mind-numbing hopelessness. I can usually snap out of it, but there is no relief. I don't like to feel irritated, and constantly out of my comfort zone, and then feel trapped in a vicious cycle.
Also, I lost my journal today. I'm writing on scratch paper.Also, I went to the temple today without my contacts in. It was really nice to not have to see. To have the world blur around me and have a brief time to process my life without the constant burage of constant information.
Sometimes people suck, your day sucks, and there's nothing you can do except to hope that when I get my blink of a nights sleep that the new day will spark something different.
Jan 15, 2015
This morning I felt horrible. I was so discouraged.
Our lesson however went so great! I actually understood what she was saying. #giftoftongues or at least my own private miracle. I really needed that. I felt connected to my words and the spirit.
Later that day...
Worst feeling yet. I actually cried in class. I totally gave up and stared out the window. I didn't talk at all during lunch.
(Don't worry it gets better, but first I was bored in class and wrote this about how I felt at the time):
I stared out the window in hopelessness. Watching the tremulous tree branches sway in the cool winter breeze, or the lines of my sweaty palms shake, or the sound of my shallow breath against the dull hum of conversation around me--just white noise to me now as I question my decision to become a missionary. Trying to pray, but feeling so hurt, numb, and disheartened I couldn't bring myself to form thoughts. I watched my surroundings with that strange interest in trivial things that I try to develop when things of high import make me afraid, or when stirred by some new emotion for which I cannot find expression, or when some thought that terrifies me lays sudden siege to my brain and call on me to take pause.
--
In class I held back tears, and words of pain and despair. I soon retreated to the restroom to compose myself and look in the mirror with my mocking reflection of what outwardly appeared to be a confident missionary of the Lord. I felt so inadequate, alone, and vulnerable.
That evening I bared my soul, my emotions, feelings, and testimony of God's love, Joseph Smith's restorations of the Gospel, and of prayer. I felt freed from my mental prison. I felt so relaxed, understood briefly by my MTC friends, and accepted/loved from my Heavenly Parents. Oh! What a kind word or sincere invitation can do! That's what I aspire to do as a missionary, have an open ear, a kind work, sincere love, and a burning testimony of Christ. To help people like me. People who feel different, misunderstood, small, different, afraid, and alone. I believe that the heart of the Gospel is love, kindness, and repentance. I bear witness of the truthfulness of Christ's teachings of love and His gospel of happiness.
Jan. 16, 2015
I found my journal today! I am kinda used to to getting enough sleep and gaving my mind feel hazy. It's kinda going away and getting better. Or maybe I'm just better able to handle the drugery. I feel especially bonded to my district today, they're like my family of Swedes.
I'm learning proper grammar in Swedish and it's starting to come together.
I read my dad's first MTC week experience and it's very similar to mine. It's crazy. We went through the same hopelessness. Though it was kinda cool that he had Mom to think about.
It's sad that sometimes I have to have something I love taken away from me to appreciate and desperately long for that thing. My family, my friends, my freedom. I seriously think about each member of the family each day. And a couple of my friends. If I didn't believe in eternal families as a Mormon I would definitely change religions. The gospel is amazing, it inspires, uplifts, and rings of truth. Some people, including myself, kinda distort it sometimes and our mistakes/traditions/lack of thought can really hurt others. I hope to try to be very aware of others needs, and help anyway I can.
Jan. 17, 2015
Just another day of missionary life for Aldste (Elder) Flynn.
Had 3 cookies, 2 bowls of coco pebbles, and 4 glasses of chocolate milk for breakfast.
Jan 18, 2015
Today Me and Elder Harrison skipped dinner today and went to a piano room to just chill. He played ad lib songs and I drew on the board. It was so therapeutic. For like 20 minutes he wrote me a song that was supposed to reflect my personality, struggles, and passions. I told him briefly what I loved and feared most and he did a pretty good job of making a song that encapsulated me. There was lots of extremes in it. Slow thoughtful bits, fast crazy bits. Mostly on the two ends of the piano. Chaos and peace.
I listened to Apostle Ballard and Nelson today. It was kinda cool, and everyone was freaking out. But I liked the opening speaker better. He was a humble guy, with an incredible life story, personality, and message. The other two I dozed off in.
Jan 21, 2015
My departure date is February 16th.
If I was English speaking I already feel prepped and ready to go. I gave a few practice lesson in English and they went awesome. With the language go I'm like a preschooler, or a cave man.
Much of the same. The days blur together into one long roller coaster ride of emotions, struggles, and moments of clarity with God.
A disclaimer, I do have fun with my district, we are the loudest and funniest at lunch and meetings, but I can't do two totally different tasks at once. I can't both study and carry on a humorous conversation. I can't feel the spirit guide my testimony and lesson if everyone is aimlessly talking about who knows what. Sometimes I grab another Elder who feels the same, so we can study in a separate room, get things done, and then come back to hang out. I am so scared of the language, I can't give up my time to do something unproductive.
I now teach two investigators. My first investigator turned into a second language teacher. It was funny how much of the class was so surprised at this. I treated it as real but come on, you could see the hem of her garment under her collar, she had a Utahn accent, and she came in wearing a mtc badge. Some people are so unobservant. Am I too critical? I'm trying to be more positive. It's just when I write I kinda vent.
I feel like I'm being broken down, I hope to build me back up into something better. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My goal for this week was to focus on others. I got my district to fast for a day and it was really awesome. We had an hour testimony meeting with just us Swedes and it was really touching to hear everyone's backstories.
Well, my companion is eager to go and my times up, I have more to write but I'll try to get it next time.
I love you all so much. Sorry if I'm super focused on my problems when I write. Keeping telling me all the details about your lives, because just a short time ago that was my life.
It just makes my day when you write me.
Also, if you could. Could you break down in the Atonement between Christ's suffering in Gestsemene and his death. What did what? Also, what's the difference between baptism and repentance. Why do I need to get baptized if I repent. Also, what's the difference between grace and mercy. Sorry I'm so vague. I gotta go, but I've been studying over this and scriptures and too vague, and pamphlets too brief and no one can give me an answer. They say that it should be a personal answer from study, but I kinda just think they don't know. Because no one has been able to answer any of my questions.
---Hey, send me pictures. I love adding it to my panorama of photos on my window that I can see as I study before bed.
Lots of love, Christian
Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him:
PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN: Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net
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