8. The Sacrifice of Isaac

For those of you who have been closely following Christian's Mission Blog, you will notice that there was no weekly post #7.  Christian arrived safely in Sweden last week, was assigned a kind companion and began life as a real missionary.  Last week's email was long and was filled with highly fluctuating experiences of new excitement and experiences as well as moments of acute crushing anxiety and depression.  I (his father) attempted to strain out the good and positive from his email and create his week 7 Blog post to represent and show his experience in the best light possible as I anticipated that in time Christian would be able to adapt and settle into mission life.  That said, I decided to withhold publishing this update until we heard from him again.  Unfortunately, Christian is not doing well and has decided to come home.

Christian has struggled these last two months with anxiety and trying desperately to fit in.  In his last letter home he exclaimed, "I just worry, like I'm set up for failure.  Like I'm not wired like the other missionaries.  I am trying to be like them, but the more I try the less I feel like Christian anymore, like I'm just playing the role of Christian the missionary or Christian the puppet--helplessly being pulled and swayed by the invisible strings of someone else's expectations.  I feel like I'm a bad person for writing this.  I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point, hoping for a release, or a sign, or something, instead the heaven's are silent and I am left just to curl up into a ball, collapsing on my bed at night, dreading tomorrow will come too soon and I will have to start all over again.  ahhhhh, I'm so sorry.  I feel like my anxiety, frustration, discontent is wrapping me up in this big ball of consuming blah, that I can't feel at peace or live in the moment.  I feel like I'm being selfish, but I find myself clawing at wisps of happiness or improvement, that I have had to white knuckle my way through everyday just to survive.  Everyone keeps saying how much I'll learn and improve, but it's so frustrating because I'm a very self-learning and perfectionistic person and here I feel such a limitation of knowledge and abilities.  I don't like failing, especially again and again.  All I want is to be happy and send happy letters home."

In the scriptures we often read about Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac, with all the attention and honors focused on faithful Abraham, but the unsung hero of the story is not Abraham, it is Isaac.  Abraham was asked to sacrifice in God's name, Isaac was asked to be sacrificed in God's name.  Isaac was not a young boy, he was a grown young man.  He knew what his father was asked to do and willingly helped build the sacrificial altar, gather the sticks to be laid as bedding and then laid himself across the alter accepting the fate God had assigned to him.  Their test of faith was their willingness to submit.  They both had to struggle and pull faith from the deepest depths of their testimonies.  They both found God's favor and acceptance and they both were spared at the last moment and allowed to go home.

Sometimes in life was are asked to sacrifice, other times we are the sacrifice.  Like Abraham, Christian was willingly to sacrifice the next two years of his life to serve God, but Christian wasn't called to be Abraham, he was called to be Isaac.  He accepted God's call to serve, he actively prepared (built the altar), he was worthy (laid the bedding of sticks) and willingly left the world to serve his God (presented himself at the altar), but the sacrifice he had imagined was not the sacrifice God intended for him.  Instead, for the last 54 days he was asked to obediently lay helplessly upon that alter as he struggled, emotionally drowning in darkness.  Like Isaac, it was not necessary to completely perish to prove his love and devotion, it was the offering of a willing and obedient heart.  Christian's heart was judged and deemed pure.  A few days ago, he felt the overwhelming comfort and reassurance from a loving Father in Heaven that his sacrificial offering was accepted by God in full and that he could now climb down off the altar and come home.

This isn't what he had anticipated or expected his missionary experience would be, but we are proud that he has made such a difficult and complex decision on his own and honor and support the sacrifice and service he has already given.  His plans are to come home, get some therapy, work full time, and find opportunities to volunteer and give service until school starts.  He is planning on enrolling at the University of Utah and living at home.

What we need from all of you is your pure support and no second guessing or judging of him or us.  We need there to be very little talk between family members with only support and love being voiced.  He said he felt the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders when he made his decision and felt happiness for the first time in a long time.  This will likely be a tough transition for all of us as we help him to heal and get back on his feet.  We appreciate and hope for your continued unconditional support and love.