6. Sweden

This week's update is written by his father as Christian was traveling and unable to write this week:

Monday (February 16, 2015) Christian left the MTC with his entire district (everyone's visas arrived at the last moment) and traveled to Sweden.  Family and friends are no longer allowed to go to the airport to meet their missionaries and say one last final goodbye, but they do allow the missionaries to call home and talk to their families during the layovers between flights.  Of course Christian's flight changed to leave even earlier than anticipated, which meant that our phone call was at the delightful hour of 6AM.  As much as we love Christian it is a hard matter to have a lucid conversation that early in the morning, not to mention that I (dad) was sick with a terrible head cold and pounding headache.  But it was so good to hear from him and to our paramount joy and in summation of our conversation he is doing good, he is happy, he is staying positive and is truly excited to be moving on and actually starting his real mission.  What solace, what reassurance and peace to our hearts to know that he is happy and doing well!

He was met by his Mission President and wife (James & Tamara Beckstrand) and taken on a small tour of Stockholm, visited the Sweden temple and attended a baptism.

He then was assigned his new companion Elder Kevin Allen and was assigned to serve in the city of Sundsvall, Sweden:

We look forward to hearing from him next Monday to tell us more about his first week in Sweden.

We received the following information regarding communication and mailings to Christian:
1. P-day is Monday, that is the day he will be allowed to write emails & letters and receive your emails.
2. All physical mail and packages that we want to send to Christian should be mailed to the mission home.  They will forward it to where ever he is serving:

Äldste Christian Flynn

Enebybergsvägen 38

182 46 Enebyberg

Sweden

Advice about package mailings per the mission office:  
Letters and packages should be sent through the US Postal Services and weigh four (4) pounds or less (they will be forwarded immediately to your missionary), packages weighing more than 4 pounds will require Christian to pay for the forwarding and or having to wait till he or another missionary can pick up the package in person. 

Things that can cause significant delays to your packages:
  Packages over four (4) pounds
  Overnight packages
  Certified or Registered mail
  Using any carrier other than the Post Office

Thank you everyone who has written him, sent him packages and supported him through the MTC.  I know it was a hard and trying time for Christian, but through your love and support and his courage and determination he has overcome and made it safely to Sweden.

Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email them to him:

PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN:         Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net

PLEASE WRITE/MAIL PACKAGES (4lbs or less through US Postal Service) to: 

Äldste Christian Flynn

Enebybergsvägen 38

182 46 Enebyberg

Sweden

5. Beginning to see the light at the end of the MTC...Flight Plans

Calling Dad...
Hand trembling, I reached for the telephone that seemed to gawk at me.  I called my home phone line because I couldn't decide which parent to call. It rang and rang, my apprehension building, until... the robotic voice saying to hang up and try again. Well, that was anti-climatic! I then called my dad's phone, feeling more nervous than ever.  It rang, and rang, and... click... I was greeted by the ever tender: Hello this is Doctor Robert Flynn how can I help you?... Silence... Hi, Dad, it's Christian.
Actually... I was going to write about my experience of talking to dad.  I'm thinking that that was a special moment between me and him.  I'm going to keep that one to myself.  It's like the secret life of Walter Mitty.  Some things can't be captured in words or pictures.

I've had several really therapeutic talks with Elder Harrison.  He said that I'm his favorite person here and that he loves it when I ask questions.  He said he liked me and thought highly of me. Which was so nice to here. All my leaders who don't really know me go on and on and on, about how much they love us.  Kind of abusing the meaning of the word, don;t you think?  It's nice to be liked, sometimes more than loved.
I was thinking about giving up and coming home again on Saturday.  I felt like I was wasting my life and was suffering uselessly, feeling my mind being warped (there are so many parallels here to the book '1984',  I could go on about this forever!).  I confided in him everything I've been feeling and that I couldn't handle it here.  He was super understanding.  He didn't make me feel bad or persuade me to stay.  He said props to me for making it this far, that he would be very disappointed in his mission experience if we didn't end up becoming companions, and that the MTC could use my "culture," apparently he thinks I've lived some ultra radical life.  A notion I don't feel I give off, but compared to these people maybe to them I am.  We talked for 2 hours.  We didn't get back till midnight. (definitely way after lights out).

Anyway, I'm almost done at the MTC and feeling great. Sorry I gave you a scare about my short email last week. Also, I print off all of my emails. My branch president says that reading emails doesn't count toward my computer time. So don't be afraid I won't have time to read anything.  Also, I heard I get more time in the field.

I vented a lot in my journal about people, the MTC, and different situations, but I would rather share some good or novel things that's been going on. Much of the days are the same, but some of the moments really made me happy.

I've spend most of my time with either Harrison, or the Dutch district.  Which are way more fun, cool, and accepting of me.  I feel that I am confident, fun, and introspective, but in my own district I feel like I can only be a part of myself which I think is unhealthy.  I think I already may have told you, but I lead a running group on some mornings. Recently me and another Elder from the Dutch organized a game of hand ball. It's like Ultimate Frisbee, but with a football. We aren't supposed to play ultimate Frisbee or football, and we thought about it, because either we were breaking two rules or they canceled each other out. We went with the funner option. :)  It is so nice to push my muscles to something other than moving my hand across a page or walking to the cafeteria.

I also started "Tacky-Tie-Tuesday" in my zone, for which we were passive-aggressively given an hour lesson in our class on appropriate dress and grooming (instead of language). What ever?  When there's a will there's a way! ;)

I also, got in trouble for my bed this week.  I pushed two beds together and used some extra sheets to shroud my bed in a tent so I would have some private space.  Anyway, I was told I couldn't do this with my bed, that made me sad.  Also, I have this paranoia that my companion will watch me  as I sleep.  I recall stories of unstable companions watching their companions sleep--creepy!

So, half of my district's visa's haven't arrived yet so they are being sent state-side for a month or two until they get theirs.  But luckily, I’m OK! Thanks entirely to Mom and Dad--I didn't even know I had to have a visa, so, lucking for parents who were on the ball for me.

My flight plans are:
United Airlines inc.

flight 6537--   LV: Salt Lake City, UT at 7:44 am on feb 16
                       AR: Denver, CO at 9:20 am on feb 16
                       (50 minutes layover)
flight 1440--   LV: Denver, CO, IL at 10:10 pm
                       AR: Newark, NJ at 3:48 pm
                     
(90 ish minute layover)
flight 068--     LV: Newark, NJ at 5:25 pm
                       AR: Stockholm, Sweden at 7:30 am feb 17
                       (8 hour flight)
I'll get to stockholm 11:30 pm utah time (at night, the day before)

It's going to be a crazy exhausting day. I'm going to have a full day on Sunday, wake up to leave the MTC at 3:30 am, travel all day, arriving at Sweden in the early morning, and having to start another day in the new country.  Effectually I'll be awake for 3 days with perhaps intermittent naps here and there.

I won't be able to email till my first P-day in Sweden, but they will let me call home in between flights. You can see the times.  I probably will try to call you before the first flight, but if it doesn't work out I'll try again in Chicago.

---------------------

The days here are all blending together, so my thoughts are scattered:
I got really, extremely, desperately tired in a devotional on Sunday, so I wrote this because the person who sat next to me wouldn't let me sleep.  But really though, he keep nudging me, I'd wake up look around, go fall right back to sleep, a few minutes would pass while he was mustering up the courage to confront me again, and he'd wake me up from my nap again.  I'd feel irritated, but he was so sincere in his attempts to help me stay awake and the whole thing was so comical I couldn't help but laughing to myself and decided to doodle this monologue instead, by yours truly:

Days that never end and nights that never are long enough.  Some nights are dreamless sleep filled with tossing and turning that dulls the mind, dims the senses, and mutes the soul, making the following day one of the walking dead, or nights of strange dreams and unreal joys, through which sweet phantoms of thought, color and intangible wisps that explore the chambers of my sleeping mind.

A few mornings I have woken up in that fog reality between the world of sleep and that of the living when the deafening screams of my companions alarm clock sirens in a new morning which demand the start of a new day and the end of the blessed unconscious world of shapeless dreams only to be thrusted into a bizarre world of deja vu that lays bear the realities of my innermost fears, loves, and existence.  I look about and see the stirring of sleepy heads on squeaking beds signifying the sound of Elders waking up and going forth starting their day, reluctantly or not, with perhaps a sigh or a muttered complaint. Yet all arise, with veil after veil of that hazy fog that besets our slumbering brain is lifted, and by degrees we orient ourselves to the forms and colors of things, until they are restored to their fullness, and we watch the day remake itself again.

Standing on shaky legs, stretching my underused and atrophying muscles I let my eyes wander around the dawning room. The crumpled shirt and tie lies on the ground next to my bed where I stripped myself the night before, beside my desk, decorated with pictures of loved ones, rests a half-cut book that I had been studying and a worn letter that I had, perhaps, read too often. Nothing has changed.  Did I really expect it too?  Out of the unreal shadows of the night comes back to me the life I had known.  Having to resume where I left off... with the secret hope that when I rest my eyes again, that this time, they might open to some morning on a new world.

I roll back my shoulders, open the door, letting the brightness fill the room, and step into a new day.

--------------------

A cool story.
A district was leaving early the next morning so another Dutchie and I wanted to send them off in style. At night we gathered our whole zone (20-25ish Elders) into the showers, turned off the lights and sang with all our might.  I brought in a strobing flashlight, and handed out other flashlights and laser pointers I had gathered and we had a kind of dance party. We started off with a quiet hymn, that sounded so cool as our deep voices resounded off the bathroom walls. We boomed through Ye Elders of Israel, and "Two Dungeons Deep (the Dwarf song from the Hobbit), and "Are you" (from mocking jay) as well as several other hymns. I can't quite capture it, but it was one of my favorite memories of the MTC (Yes, I guess there have been a few good ones)!

Also, I discovered that in all the outlets the past roomies left us little presents, like coins glued inside, or really old Swedish fish, or a container of "magic paste" which lets off a little wisp of smoke if you put some on your fingers and snap em-- so weird-- so 90's.  I convinced the elders in my district to sneak out eggs from the cafeteria each day, so when we leave there'll be secret eggs in all of the outlets.  How weird is that!

On my quest to embrace love (and beat the MTC) I've learned to not take life so seriously. I'm trying to have much more fun. There's a time for work, rest, and play.  Each is just as important as the other.
When I feel better and confident in myself Life is so much more worth while. I start to notice and lift others up.  It's so fun!  If that's the right word?  Rewarding? To see someone whose feeling the way I often do and the make them smile or come around. Priceless.

1 month down. 23 to go...

Random thoughts.

In Swedish the word for baptize and to "shoot up" as in drugs and nearly identical in pronunciation.

Also, I managed to switch several of the Elders name tages without them knowing for a whole day.

I've been saving this one can of opened OJ since the first day, and for some reason kept it. Unwittingly I took a big swig and felt like I was drinking a fur ball. Nasty!

I've been fasting and it really helps. It's nice to feel some sort of control, even if it's just what I cram into my mouth.

I have a new district leader.  It's so funny he's so quite and little (like 4 ft. I swear). The weird thing is that as soon as he was called he became sooooo annoying. He puts on this fake personality, and tears, and emotions. But all the leaders just eat it up. I can't go into detail about this cause my time is almost up. But I feel like leadership often brings out the worst in people. He totally changed. Also, he's been playing up this cute puppy thing. He's a grown man, has been sheltered his whole life, and is the most sickly sweetly "optimistic". I'm a realist and he's not even optimistic. He's just lying, and ignoring reality and his feelings. You can say your thoughts and still hope/see the best. Not just say that everything is awesome, everything is cool, everything is a life changing experience.

Also, I was the first Elder to get up for testimony meeting in my zone. I never get up, so for me that was awesome. I gave it in Swedish.  Super cool.

--------------------

Thank you everyone for your love, support, and gifts!  I wish I could give you all a hug, and that you could really know how much everything has helped.

Thanks mom for the valentine package and dad for your response to this week's questions.  I loved it! It made me so immensely happy.

Congrats on selling the condo--Hopefully you still go up to Park City.
--
Christian Flynn

[Christian snuck back on today to give a thankful shout out to the Ihrig family for brightening his day]:

Also, can you get me Maddi Ihrig's email. I think it would be awesome if I could email her. Also, thank her and her family for the valentine's box! I loved it. The happy light, the letters, the gifts. All the sisters in my district loved the ear rings. One of the elders is using it as a tie pin. I am so happy for Madi, and simply adore her and her family. Their package just made my week.

Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him: 

PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN:       Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net

4. Breaking Point

[Preface to this week:  This was a very hard and trying week for Christian--the culmination of a brewing perfect storm.  He has been struggling with his companion and the smothering rigidity and micro-managing control of the MTC for the last several weeks and it has taken it's toll.]

When Christian was very young he was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder. He learned coping mechanisms--breathing techniques, being aware of his emotions and feelings, taking breaks and meditation, etc. to deal with it.  He learned that when he begins to feel overloaded that a quick run, hike or walk alone, or writing, could unwind a stressful situation or day.  Other times he would call home and talk things out with a close friend or family member.  Simply reading a good book could also calm and clear his mind and he could stay happy, functional and balanced.  In fact, he has gotten so good at handling his stress over the years that we have nearly forgotten how stress and anxiety effects him.

For the last month Christian has been in lock-down at the MTC--being crammed into a small classroom for 16 hours a day, rarely seeing the sunlight, rarely getting exercise, being banned from talking to family and friends or reading books (besides scriptures) and is glued 24-7 to a companion who is bullying him and constantly trying to put down or find fault in Christian him.  Worse, he can never, ever have alone time.  All of his usual coping mechanisms had been taken away so needless to say, Christian began having an anxiety nuclear melt-down.  His anxiety levels went through the roof and he had no way to decompress and vent.

Tuesday, I (Dad) was home working on taxes when the phone rings, caller-ID says, "Provo, Utah".  I pick up, "Hello?" "Hi dad, it's me Christian!..."  (long pause)... "Hello...What's going on?"  To this he broke down in tears and began to sob.  "I think I want to come home.  I'm suffocating here." He told me that he is seeing a counselor there and they administered a stress test on him.  They said an average person scores about 20-40, most missionaries at the MTC score 40-50 due to the added stress of the MTC.  Christian said he has taken it twice, the first time a 90, the second time 110.  He said suicidal is 140.  We talked for about twenty minutes.  It was a good talk filled with love, understanding and optimism.  He was able to vent and share.  I told him how much we love him, how proud we are of him and how strong he is.  I reassured him that we would accept what ever decision he makes.  I reassured him, however, that the MTC was not his mission, Sweden was his mission.  Sweden would be different--a new companion, space, a semblance of freedom, exercise and the outdoors, and best of all real human interactions.  I then emphasized that instead of focusing on how he wanted things to be, to focus on how he could love them more.  I told him to see the good and potential in those around him, and then see what he has to offer them.  I promised him as he sought their happiness that he would find his.  In the end, it was all about love.  We love him, we're proud of him no matter what happens and we will always be there for him.

Just being able to talk probably brought his anxiety levels down to the lowest they've been in weeks.  He said he would keep trying and thanked me for talking.  He will continue to meet with the counselor who will determine his ability to leave with the rest of the group in a few weeks.

The next day was his P-day and after a sleepless and prayerful night, the follow conversation took place between Sandra (Mom) and Christian via back and forth emails:

Mom:
Are you on yet??

Christian:
Yes! Alyssa is going through a hard time now and I'm using my time replying to her, so I won't be able to write my usual weekly journal entries today.  Maybe later I can log back on and send some pictures.  I'll try to send you a written mailed version of my journal entries later this week, so maybe you could go back and put it on my blog.

I am doing so good right now!  I just think everything culminated to one point of givingupness. I had the best day after I got off the phone with Dad.  I wish I could have talked to you too!  I really have integrated into my district and when I turn outward and tried to make other people feel better, I feel better. We had the best testimony/emotional meeting, and I lead a group of Scandinavians in a morning run, and I got my district to start playing games during breaks. I'm trying to keep creative in this place. I am all over the place, but I feel good when I can connect to you, the fam, my friends through email. I think I should be able to talk on the phone once a month. :)  Also, I've seen a therapist twice, and have another appointment on Friday. I just had the worst week, but I feel it turning around. I finally feel control--at least for now. I'll get back to you on that. :) I have learned over 1200 swedish words, but the last few days I've been focusing on the people around me. I realized I'm going to be so out of my depth in Sweden with language, that it's more important that I'm a functional person first. If I don't learn how to love on my mission then what was the point of me being here? I love you all. Also, I binge read all of the rainy day letters from the family, I loved them all and I balled that night. Emotions are high. Happy and sad. My therapist thinks I should go home, but I really think I can do this, especially when I leave the MTC. I guess this email could be part of my blog.

Are you still there I got like 10 minutes?

Mom:
Yep, I'm here!  So happy you're doing better!!  I love you so so much!
So you think you're going to stay? Does the therapist have any say in it?

Christian:
I think she does. As of now I'm definitely staying. I'm hoping I'm gonna balance out. I'm kinda tired of the nose dives, turns, and jerks straight up. I think i can, i think i can, i think i can. :)

Tell Zack and Krissy so incredibly much! I love the picture from Harper, the picture of her and Dad and me, and the cookies. Sooooo Good! Everyone's letters and support mean so much to me!

Mom:
Did you get Madi and E's letters?

Christian:
Yes!!! I loved them! I put the pictures right next to the window, next to my head. Tell them I love em' and that they helped me so much. Elisabeth was so sweet and made be so happy, and Madison's letter was just what I needed to here. She made me laugh. I definitely considered running away, hiding in my BYU apartment, running up the mountain, sneaking into a closet and just sleeping for days. I am trying to be strong for them. I'm sorry for Madison about her break up. They are tough. It took me months to really get over my last girlfriend. But Madi's so smart, funny, and freakin' gorgeous she'll be just fine. Boys suck anyway.

Gotta go. xoxoxox

Maybe I can sneak on a few pictures later. Thanks for the lyrics, emails, and stories. I need to keep updated on your lives.
<3

Exhausted

Yes that's Christian in the back with the beanie over his head

Mom:
I see you managed to sneak in and send pics!  ;)

Christian:
<3
:)


Note: Christian does not have access to this blog, therefore any comments left here will only be read by his parents and other readers. If you would like to contact Christian, reply to his weekly letters or send photos, please email him: 

PLEASE EMAIL CHRISTIAN:       Christian.Flynn@myLDSmail.net